Thursday, March 31, 2016

Rainy, Rainy, Cold, Cold Thursday


Good morning my good friends. It's raining and it's cold and I want to go to bed or have another cup of coffee. Which one should I have? Another cup of coffee.
I didn't go golfing yesterday because it was only 32 degrees and frost warning. What was thinking! Gerry did come over later in the afternoon and we played some pool and had a coffee. Mary Lou & AmyLynn went to movies to watch that new movie about miracles. Today we pick up our friends, Al & Meilin at the airport. They have been gone for a week visiting Al's mother who was in the hospital. She 95 years old. Tomorrow I'm taking my Bumble Bee ( Camero ) to the shop to have the things done to fix it for the year and then we're planning a long drive to Niagara Falls this summer.


Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked ... with beer.




A Real Gut-Buster


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


Why You Should Make Love Once A Year


A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”




Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”

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You know, it says that it's Spring. WHEN? Tomorrow is April and starting tomorrow and for a week the temperatures will only reach 40's and it's going to be wet and cold. Where is SPRING ? 
Well, have the best day that you can have my friends.



   " SEE YA "



Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Warming Up Tuesday

Well, Spring has sprung around here also but it's still a little cool around here for me. The weatherman told us that it would be in the 50's, very wet and yet still some snowflakes. My question is WHY snow? I've made a decision. I'm taking my BumbleBee out of the garage. Hopefully the weather will be OK because I'm taking it to have all the necessary things to have it clean up for the summer. You know oil change, check the brakes, etc. Then if it warm enough, I;m going to have it washed. I'm ready to go. Zoom, zoom, zoom.

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Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.
 
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What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

When you see teeth marks.
 
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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
 
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There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
 
 

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
 
 
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Aren't babies cute. I was a cute baby way back when. My wife said to me once, what ever happened to you? No my wife never said that. I just thought that would be interesting. I wonder what your baby pictures were like way back when?
                                            Have a wonderful Tuesday my friends. 
 
 
                                                                              " SEE YA "! 
 
 
 
 

Friday, March 18, 2016

Brilliant Sunny Friday


Yes, it's Friday. What are you doing today? Me, I'm not doing much. 










Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.


A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."


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That's it for today. Have a wonderful Friday my friends.


                                                                   " SEE YA "

 
 

Monday, March 14, 2016

Foggy, Rainy Monday



I'm calling today Italian Monday just because I'm an Italian. You know this morning I woke feeling down and out. The sun was still not out, it was foggy and just feeling not up to par since I lost my hour but I always turn to " Bethere2dayBad Day ♫ by Daniel Powter (2005) and my day changed for the better. What a song. It realistically showed me that even though it may appear that the day looks bad, a bad day can turn into a great day. Thank you my friend Steveo for giving my that song. I should today British Monday but maybe the next time because today is Italian Monday. Ciao.

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A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

Q. What's an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.


At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


 A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"


Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons:
"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"
"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"
"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"
Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?"
Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."



An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and passes gas...
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."


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Well that's about it for now with Italian Monday. I respect my Italian heritage a great deal but I can be the first one to laugh with these funny jokes. 


" CIAO MY FRIENDS "




Saturday, March 12, 2016

Beautiful, Sunny Saturday


Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Morning Friends. Yes, it's a beautiful Saturday morning and from what I see, the entire day will be great. I think winter has left us ( I hope! ) for this year. Yesterday my wife & I saw many robins and when you see the robins, that means wintertime has left and Spring is just around the corner. Tonight we have to change our clocks an hour ahead. I don't know why but every year that hour ahead makes me sick for awhile. Oh well, soon I'll be able to take my Bumble Bee. Zoom, zoom.

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Now the alphabet rewritten for granny:
A for arthritis;
B the bad back
C the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention
H high blood pressure – I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in no way down low.
O is for osteo, bonus that don’t grow!



P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that’s dizzy, you know…
W is for worry, now what’s going around?
X is for x-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have – in my mind!
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body is deployed, and I’m keeping 26 doctors fully employed!
Have a great day


Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with the tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Granny," he said while pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know. . . I haven't had a cold all winter."


A grandma (not mine, but a friend's) told me this joke this past weekend:

q: how do you find an old man in the dark?
a: it's not hard.



Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...
Light for Grandma

and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there,

Yells to Grandma
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window
and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
Love Jesus
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...
why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
Grandma's Grandson
A couple of the people were so caught up
 in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;
so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma


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I just love Grandparent jokes. I think back of my grandparents. They came from Italy, settled in Canada and couldn't speak a lick of English. I loved their English in between Italian. I loved going to their place, helping my grandfather making wine, going with my other grandfather taking tomatoes to town and just the love they had for us and now today I'm a grandfather. WOW! I guess I getting old.
Well, have a great Saturday and get ready for Sunday. 


" SEE YA "