Monday Before My Birthday

Good morning everyone. I'm getting excited for tomorrow. I'm turning 70 years old tomorrow and you ask why is it exciting? I'm not  going to repeat my story. You're problem bored about what happened to me but all I can say is, WOW, I made it.
My wife is taking me to my favorite place to eat, "Riccardo's "  It has wonderful Italian food and it sits near the river. We'll probably take a walk along the river after dinner or probably sitting watching the boats passing by.

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 This won't happen to us. Riccardo's only uses Marinara sauce
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Miss Manners

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink." The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

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Weed Out

After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette. As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

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Humorous Moment

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up to the car, the driver lowers his window and a cloud of weed smoke pours out.  The cop looks at the driver and notices his eyes are as red as a stop sign. The cop then asks the driver, "How high are you?
The driver laughs and says, No officer, it's Hi, How are you...

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Viagra Heist

Q: Did you hear about the crooks who stole a truckload of Viagra?
A: Police issued an APB for hardened criminals.
A: The Judge will likely impose a stiff sentence.

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Condoms for My Camels

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am. "She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

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     " Have A Very Beautiful Day My Friends. See Ya. "



Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday Autumn

Good morning friends. We are in Autumn now and so far it's very warm. Today it's suppose to rain. It;s OK, I'll be inside. There's not much going on in Amherstburg right now. I'll go into town later to buy some things I need. 

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Eight hours into his trial Paddy pleads guilty. "Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?" The judge demanded. "Well," Paddy responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."

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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."  

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

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                                     " See Ya Friends "



Cruisin Paul

 

The Last Days Of Summer

Good morning everyone. It's a beautiful Saturday, sunny and warm but next week it will be Fall. That means after fall the winter, then Christmas and after Christmas it's 2020 and guess what? I know, it means my cruise. Whoopee! I'm so sorry to be so excited. 
I went golfing last Thursday and I did well. I did something that I never did before. My golf ball was behind the sand trap and after that it was the green. It was so close that a mistake meant hitting the ball in the bunker or hitting over the green. I hit a wonderful shot, it went over the sand bounced on the green bounced and hit the pin and left the ball about 10 feet from the hole. Then I putted the ball and it went right into the hole. Of  course it means nothing to you if you not a golfer but I was excited. LOL
Last night we went to dinner with Meilin, my friend Al's wife and also his older sister was here to visit him. Al is not doing very well. We'll be visiting him during the week. 
One final thing, my Ultrasound was on Wednesday and after checking both the veins & arteries, they told me that both my legs were A - OK . I was so happy and so were they.

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Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

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An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell. 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer "Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave." Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in." The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in." Well the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

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What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

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Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces. ”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?” ”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!” ”And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

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 " See Ya Friends Until The Next Time "


Cruisin Paul

 

Monday Morning Bues( Not Really )

Hi gang. Good morning to you all. This week begins with me going to have my Ultra Sound on Wednesday and at the same time while I'm at the doctor, MaryLou will be with our daughter Nicole checking on some cars. My wife has decided to get herself a new car. Her car is over 10 years old. On Thursday I'll be golfing at Pointe West with my friend Brian. I did some work, just work outside in the back yard. Cutting down the big flowers. It was hard doing it because of my balance but I finished it but I was tired when I was done. I guess I'm getting old.

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A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” “Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” the grandson asked. “You’re coming empty handed???”

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren back to their parents one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Grandpa request joke

A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her

rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes

scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?”

“Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”


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A little boy comes running Into the room and says, “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like 

 

 

 

a frog?” The Grandpa says, “I don’t know, why?” The little boy says, “Because grandma says as 

 

 

soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!”

 

 

 

 

 A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she 

 

notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful 

 

years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father 

 

threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. 

 

Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!” 

 

 

 

 

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     " See Ya. Have An Enjoyable Day " 

 

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Cruisin Paul

  

Rain, Rain, Rain Thursday

Good morning everyone. Last night was interesting. Every couple hours we had thunder and lightening and of course rain. I mean through out the night and right now  ( 10:00 am ) it's starting again. I'm going for lunch with my cousins Dan & Tony at MacDonald's. I enjoy these two cousins.  My wife & daughter have gone to exercise. They go every day while I stay and take care of our home. 

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"'Come down for dinner!

'I'm busy, mooooom!'

'Right now before it gets cold!'

-Runs down stairs-

'Where's the food?'

'It'll be ready in 5 minutes.'"

 Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning?
Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed.
Mom No. 1: How does that help?
Mom No. 2: The dog’s already there.


Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?
Dad: No.
Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!

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Erin: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?
Fran: What?
Erin: “We’re gonna have a BB!”

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Matthew: What did the mother rope say to her child?
Jim: What?
Matthew: “Don’t be knotty.”

"Mom vs Dad" joke

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took a casserole out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowl on the table and prepared the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed." And he did.

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   " See Ya My Friends. Enjoy The Day "


Cruisin Paul

Dull Saturday

Well my friends, here we have another day together. I'm looking out my window and there is no sun, just a gray day. Not much going on today so I'll be at my computer and the at my 70 inch TV watching Netflix. 

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly".

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes", the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really tick me off!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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                        " See ya Friends "


Cruisin Paul