Saturday, September 19, 2020

Late Saturday Night

Good evening friends. I just finished 8 hours of watching the US Open Golf. I love golf even though I haven't been able to play the damn game for two years.

Here's how I feel about the game.

 We are continuing moving materials out of our home. My wife has done a great job selling much of our large materials. Tonight she sold a bread maker. I used it once and made bread but after that it was put on the shelf so it was sold tonight.

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3 madmen walked on railroad tracks.

One of them says " damn, it feels like this staircase never ends. "

The other answers : Yeah, and the railing is so low! I can hardly reach it."

Then the third points with his finger and says : stop crying. Look, the elevator is coming." 

 


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A dog is sitting beside a railroad track.

He's wagging his tail as a train rushing past and the train cuts off the tip of his tail. Mad and in pain, he turns to snap at the train and the train cuts his head off.

The moral of the story is...... Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail. 


 






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Cruisin Paul


 

Sunday, September 13, 2020

Happy Sunday

Good Sunday morning friends. I usually wake up in 6:30 but this morning I just didn't feel good so I slept in a little later. Now I feel better. My wife is really doing a great job getting rid of our big things in our home but the little things, oh my goodness, I didn't realize how much stuff we have in this place. I would just throw it away but not her so I'm just keeping my mouth shut. I'd rather have a quiet lovely life. LOL


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Interviewer: Why did you become a pilot?

Pilot: To overcome my biggest fear.

Interviewer: Heights?
 
Pilot: Dying Alone.
 

 
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.>

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"


 
 "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
 


 


  Why can't pilots dress well?
 
 Their clothes are too plane.
 

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Cruisin Paul

 
 

Saturday, September 5, 2020

Cool Saturday

Hi there everyone. Well it's now September and the children are going back to school. I'm very worried for my grandchildren, all the children and the teachers. I keep thinking if I was still teaching, what would I do especially with this virus still around. What would you do if you were a teacher? 

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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 


 

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

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Stewardess

Yes, Sir?

I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.

 Captain, shut up and land the plane.

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I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.

The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".

The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.

A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

 

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    I've  never flown anywhere with seats like these. Have you???????



A lawyer boarded an airplane

in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator..
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

 


 

 


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       " Have a Wonderful Day Friends "

 

 

Cruisin Paul


 



Monday, August 31, 2020

Monday Morning Excitement

Good morning friends. Yes, I know I'm doing a blog just about only once a week. Sorry about that but it's crazy around here. Hopefully, when I get to my new home, I'll be able to do my regular blogs. 

Mary Lou is still working in the Kijiji and she's doing very well. Well, have a wonderful day everyone.

 

One last thing, I want to give a smiling  pizza to my friend Steveo in London, England. Here's the pizza I promised to go. Enjoy my friend. 




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So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never the same afterwards.

Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
 

 

 

One of the joys of parenthood is snuggling into your child's bed with them when there's a thunderstorm to make sure they aren't frightened...

Although my daughter has started hinting that she and her husband can manage perfectly well on their own.
 
 
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I always thought nothing could happen in a car during a thunderstorm

nevertheless she is pregnant now
 
 
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Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"
 
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What is big and black and gets you wet?

A thunderstorm
 
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Cruisin Paul

 

 
 
 
 
 
          
 
 
 
 

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Sunday, Sunday

Good evening my friends. It's been a full week since I wrote my last blog. Sorry about that. I've been working so hard getting ready for our big change. I had no idea how much things, little and big. If I had known this I would have started getting read of this stuff 30 years ago. This week we have to go to the bank asking for a bridge and the next day we go to a lawyer. Placing materials on boxes have begin. Can you come and help me? LOL

 

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Mother to daughter advice:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

 
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

 

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

 

 



Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter asked, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

 

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 Cruisin Paul

 


Sunday, August 16, 2020

Sunday Night

Good evening friends. It's been a while. I only have 2 months to go so it's going crazy nuts around this house. I'm laughing but I'm now having a wild time. I use to have a very neat & wonderful home but as of now, it's just cluttered. LOL

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 Now a laugh.


A Bride and Groom just married are on their honeymoon...

the first night getting ready to consummate the marriage the bride starts to undo her new husbands clothes.

She starts by taking of his shoes and socks. To her surprise, she sees that his toes all mangled and gnarly, and asks 'Good heavens what is wrong with your toes?!'

The Groom explains, 'Well, when I was 3 I came down with Toe-lio which left them this way.'

Content with this answer the Bride continues to undress him and takes off his pants. Again shocked when she see's his knees bent and crooked. "What is wrong with your knees?!"

"well", the Groom replies "When I was 6 I contracted the Kneesles and was cursed with these bad knees".

The Bride loves her husband very much and looks past it. She continues on and removes his briefs. Unfazed this time, "Let me guess, Small Cox?"
 
 
 

Nightie night!!

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
 
 
OUCH!







     

   

 

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Cruisin Paul