Saturday, June 26, 2021

Good morning my friends. Well, It's been raining for days and the weatherman has told us that it will continue to rain for 4 days. I should have built an ark instead of a house. 

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During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

-Has great packaging.
 

 


Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: Glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: Oh my god!

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.
 

 
 
One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to the other pole.

Then, as I was bending to start milking her again, my belt buckle cracked, the belt came loose and my pants fell down...



And my wife came to the barn...



There are some situations, you are just not able to explain.
 

 

 

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, " No, just up to my boobs "
 

 
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 Cruisin Paul

 



Saturday, June 19, 2021


 Tomorrow is Sunday, June 20th. A very special day. It's FATHER"S DAY. For all of you DADS, rest and enjoy your day. I'll be watching the U.S. Open. A day of watching men hitting their balls.

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My last blog was for all of you coffee drinkers so this blog will be for the lovely tea drinkers.

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our Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence."

The fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly.

The three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son.

With a smug look on her face she replies, "My son is a 6' 5" muscular man, with a chiseled jaw and arms as big as pipes. And when he walks into a room all the woman say, " Oh My God".
 

 



Made holy water while making my tea yesterday

I just boiled the hell out of it
 
 

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.
 
 

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches
 
 
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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Good morning everyone. My neighbor Dave has plugged the drainage system that will help us both when the rain comes off the roofs. His son and friend dug the line that helped both of us and now I should do all right. I could have never done this without their help. Great neighbors.

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
 
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A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the priest's neck. Given the miracle, the priest is allowed to walk free.

Next comes the alcoholic. The executioner offers him the same choice, "Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?". The alcoholic says "I want to face up... to remember my glorious drinking days". So the alcoholic lies face up. The executioner releases the blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man's neck. Given the miracle, the alcoholic is allowed to walk free.

Finally, it's the engineer's turn. Once again, the executioner offers him the same choice, "Face up or face down?". The engineer scratches his head and says "face up I guess". So the engineer lies face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the blade, the engineer starts shouting. "WAIT WAIT!! .... I found the problem!".
 
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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
>There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.

Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to piss in the boat."
 

 
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Cruisin Paul

 
 

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Good Thursday morning friends. Well they told us that it was suppose to rain 5 every day yet here is the 4th and no rain. So times I want rain and so times I don't. This place is just driving me nuts. I think I need a glass of wine.(I don't drink alcohol )

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A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!
 
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My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."
 
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n 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how old your father died ...?'

- 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died.

Doctor (surprised): - 'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...?
So how old is he now ....? '

- 'He is 102 years old and cycling with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'

Doctor - 'This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?

--- 'Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'

Doctor (puzzled) -
'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '

--- 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'

--- 'I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'

- *'Taking a cold breath!* No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.

Doctor (on the verge of going mad) -
'What did you say? marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?

--- 'Who said he wanted to get married ....?
He has to be forced.'

- 'But why' ........ Doctor shouted!

- 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'

*The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since, The clinic is closed.*
 

 



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Cruisin Paul

 

Saturday, June 5, 2021

 


 

Good morning everyone. I set up for the second dosage for my wife & I. It's on Tuesday morning to get our shots on the same place, the Libro Centre just around where we live. I'm praying to God that some how our electrical system will work someday. It's nuts around here. Lights flickering in all areas of the room and now two plugs don't work. Trying to get the breaker back to normal is impossible. Life goes on I guess.



An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
 
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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.
 
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I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
 
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he's an idiot.
 
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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Romans who found out you could do it with women."
 

 
 

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Cruisin Paul