Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Beautiful Tuesday

Good morning friends. Well, my backyard has not been done yet.  On Friday it will be October the 1st, and I've been told that the so called landscaper is to be here to do the lawn. He probably will do it because it's on my birthday. I guess that's his gift to me. LOL

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A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my Wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.

But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant  WiFi.
 

 

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.
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How many mob men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb. One to watch and one to shoot the witness.
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The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:

"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."

"Jeez," the other hitman says, " I hope nothing happened to him. "
 

 
 

 It is an ancient scene. A mob is chasing a thief down a road and they are going to stone him to death. He runs, turns down an alley and it is a dead end with one door at the end. He runs to the door but it is locked, so he bangs on the door but there is no answer. The crowd converges on him. Suddenly the door open and Jesus steps out and the crowd hushes and back away. He says, 'If anyone here has not sinned, let them cast the first stone!' The crowd stands in stunned silence. Suddenly a little old lady steps out of the crowd, throws a stone at the thief. It hits him in the head and he goes down bleeding. Jesus turns to the old woman and says, You know ma, sometimes you piss me off.
 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Wednesday Night & It's Still Raining.

I'm so wet. It has been raining like cats & dogs consistently for the last two days. I wish I had had more back yard lawn. This would be great but all I have is mud. Stupid lawn guy.

Our landscaping idea in the front is starting. We designed the idea and I'm planning on having a birdbath with a Solar Bird Bath Fountain Pump Solar Fountain. I bought the pump today. It will shower water while in the bird bath.

My friend came over my place yesterday to help me put up a large, heavy mirror and a large flower metal design to place on the wall. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm not good at this but Ron is very good. After trying to teach me how to use my drill, he finally put them both up. Thank God for Ron.

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 Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

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A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."

Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."

Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."

The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."

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Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."


 

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Cruisin Paul


 


Saturday, September 18, 2021

Saturday Morning

Good morning my friends. I'm feeling a little silly this morning. My back lawn is has not been placed down yet. In two weeks it will be October. Maybe I'll get my backyard down on my birthday ( Oct. 1st )

Mary Lou cut the front yard an it looks great. 

I'm having a problem with allergies. My nose was clogged for the second time. I never had a problem when I was living in Pointe West but living in Ironside it has a pain in the derriere.

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 A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge.” 

The female doctor says, “Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there.” 

The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. 

The man’s head starts wobbling and he’s got a big smile on his face. 

After five minutes of this, the doctor says, “There’s no discharge here.” 

The man replies, “I know, it’s in my ear.”

 


 


 

Childhood was wonderful

When i was a child

*PUSSY meant a CAT.

*SEX meant the GENDER of a person.

*BITCH meant a FEMALE DOG.

*DICK was the name of a CARTOON CHARACTER.

*BANG was just a SOUND.

*RUBBER was just an ERASER.

*ASS was the name of an ANIMAL.

*SCREW was just a fixing TOOL.

*HEAD meant that part of the body above NECK.

*BALLS meant CRICKET BALLS, TENNIS BALLS, VOLLEY BALLS, FOOT BALLS etc.

*NUTS meant DRYFRUITS.
 
       Do you remember when you were young?
 

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. 
 

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!
 
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 Cruisin Paul

 

 
 

 

Monday, September 13, 2021

Early Voting in Canada

Good morning everyone. Mary Lou & I went to have breakfast with friends Gerry & Shirley Monforton. They used to live across from us in Pointe West. We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast and conversation.

After we went to vote. Canada's government chose to have us vote at this time. To tell you honestly, our politicians are useless. The guy who won the last time, I haven't seen him in our area until this new election came up. Suddenly, I see him around. What a waste.

Our lawn in the front is now growing. As far as in the back, I still have dirt. This so called landscaper always finds an excuse. 

Happy, happy, I getting a new shed built called Ero - Shed. I'm excited.

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A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
 

 

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

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What does the Italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto.
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One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “ I think he said,Holy Shit! A talking Pig".
 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Friday, September 10, 2021

9/11 Rememberance

 Tomorrow will be 20 years to 9/11. 2001.

I was in my classroom with my students jut starting our day and suddenly the principal came on the PA informing us that  unfortunately a very serious situation took place in New York where a plane has crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I had my class say a prayer for all of those in the building. Little did we know that a little later another plane did the second building. We opened our TV in the class and were shocked with the scenes in New York,
a third plane hit the Pentagon just outside Washington, D.C., and the fourth plane crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

Since Amherstburg was just across the Detroit River  from Michigan we started thinking, who else is going attacked. Our friends were just across from us.


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GANDER, Newfoundland — They’re called “the plane people” here because on Sept. 11, 2001, some 6,700 passengers on 38 planes descended on this piney little town of about 10,000 people on the northeastern end of Newfoundland. 


 

In Gander, buildings were hastily converted into makeshift shelters and townspeople opened up their homes, came out with food and gave up their own beds to strangers from almost 100 countries.


 

Many of those “plane people” returned here on Sunday to reflect on that day and to thank the residents for their hospitality.

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 I'm not sure what I'll be doing tomorrow but I'm sure I'll be thinking about all of those heroes who died the two trade Center buildings, the Pentagon and those heroes who died in Shanksville, Penn.

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Cruisin Paul


 

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Good Sunday Morning Friends. Well they put sod onto our land and what a mess. This guy is a jerk. Guess who he had to play the sod in? Children, yes, it young kids. They had no idea what to do but they took the sod and just throw the sod down and they had no idea what to do with them. They weren't joined together nor butted together. You could tell he didn't care. Yes, he had kids to put the sod down. Oh my God.

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A sixty year old millionaire ran into an old friend in a jewelry store after a gap of several years and proudly introduces him to his gorgeous twenty eight year old wife.

The friend eyes her as she tries on a necklace in the tabletop mirror and whispers, "You lucky dog, how did you net someone like her?"

The millionaire leans in closer and whispers conspiratorially, "I told her that I was eighty."
 
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Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"
 
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies:

”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
 
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Cruisin Paul