Cold, Snowy Friday

Good morning everyone. I've decided to continue with my type of blog having some laughter in it. I may not have has much as I had before but I need that laughter myself. I'll be adding at times , things about cruising or cruising ships. I hope that those of you who do check in with me will still enjoy it.
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                              Naughty Santa

What A Boy Wants For Christmas

David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy's one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right.  In that case I'll take two.'

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

 I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

Entering  Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

A Sign of the Times

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

 

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That will be about it for today.

  " SEE YA "

 

" Cruisin Paul " 

Bright Sunny Sunday

Good morning, good morning, goooood morning friends. I was planning to do my blog as I do with some laughter photos between some jokes but after reading my friend Sandee's blog she told us that after today there will be no more funny jokes. You know I started thinking, it's been difficult finding funny things especially when I read the news going on in the world and especially with what's been going on in the US. I just want to cry and if this going to continue my country Canada is going to affected. My dollar is down to about 78 cents and I read that if NAFTA is going to fall, my dollar would go down to 60 cents. That would kill my cruising. So I don't feel like laughing this morning. I'll put it the photos that I planned to put in but I'm going to have to think about what I want in my blog. 

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                       That's it for today. 

                                    " SEE YA "

                        " Cruisin Paul "


I have to have at least one joke. Here it is.


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 


Now I feel better. See ya

Early Saturday Morning

Good morning everyone. It's another cold morning here in Amherstburg. Thirty days to go Christmas and 65 days to go for my cruise. You noticed, Christmas and cruise, my C and C every year. I hope that all my American friends are filled with turkey but not with pie. My friend Al is having some problems now since he found it that he's got Parkinson's. He's slowing down but we still play pool twice a week though it's a challenge for him. You know, it's hurting me to see my friend and I can't help him as much as I'd like to. Al worked so much in his life and then he retired to this. Life gives you lemons, not roses.

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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
      He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
      One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
      Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
      "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
      "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
      God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
      Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer? 

   Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
      The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
      "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
      The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
      "No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
      "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
      "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
      A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
      "Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
      "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
      "Why?" asks the Lord.
      "Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska." 

      A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
      After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
      "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
      Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
      The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
      "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."  

      An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
      "I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."
      "You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.
      "Where have you been?" the $20 asks.
      "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
      "Wait," the $20 interrupts. "What's a church?"  

       A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
      She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
      "NO!" the children answered.
      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
      Again, the answer was, "NO!"
      Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
      Again, they all answered, "NO!"
      She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
      A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD." 

 Well that's it for today my friends. One good thing is the sun is out bright and shining. Have a great day everyone.

                                   " SEE YA " 

                             " Cruisin Paul "

Another Monday, Monday

Well, Monday has arrived. Last week I spent all the time to decorate the inside of my home for Christmas. The rest of our home is left for my wife ( the staircase ). Her and I will put out the large ribbons out later.
Later today we will be picking up Al & Meilin from the airport. They have been in China for a month. The first thing that Meilin will ask is how is my kitty?
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Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck & then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet & all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide......
He looked inside.
All was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hand & stretched his arm......

And then he STUFFED the TURKEY. 

  

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's." 

  

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Well that;s about it for now. I do hope that all of my American friends enjoy their Thanksgiving. Save me a piece of pumpkin pie. I love pumpkin pie. 
  

                               " SEE YA " 

                                                           " Cruisin Paul " 

Monday, Monday, Monday

Good Monday morning everyone. After showing you the blog about my next cruise, I've been getting so excited and Christmas isn't even here yet. Oh well. My friends Al & Meilin will be coming home in about two weeks from their vacation in China visiting Meilin's relatives and being at a wedding of her cousin. 

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

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A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, ... Beggars can't be cruisers.

 Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an eighty year old man in after her who kept her afloat till the rescue boat arrived. The Captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white haired old man performed such an act of bravery. Hat night a banquet was given in honour of the ships octogenarian hero. He was called forward to receive an honoury award and to say a few words. He stood in front of the crowd and said ‘First of all I’d like to know who pushed me’

 A homeless man had been sleeping in the dockyards when a sleek new cruise ship pulled into port. Thinking he would be on to a good thing the homeless man tried to sneak on board but was turned back on the gangplank by the concierge who told him
‘Sorry sir beggars can’t be cruisers.

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Well, I'm done for the day. I have a  massage at 10:30 am and I'm ready for that one. Have a great day my friends.

                                 " SEE YA " 

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                            " Cruisin Paul "