Well, it's Friday and my wife informed me that I would have to wait until 3:00pm to find out if our home was sold. Papers are signed, but I'm just waiting. Waiting is the most difficult thing to do. ----------------------------------
Two nuns were shopping at Kroger's. As
they passed the cold beer cooler one nun commented that it would be
nice to have a cold beer or two on this hot summer evening. The other
nun agreed, "Indeed it would, sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable
buying beer here as it would likely cause a scene at the checkout." "I
can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied. She added a
six-pack of Blue Moon to her cart and headed for the checkout. The
cashier had a surprised look on her face when the nuns handed her the
beer and gave them a quizzical look. The nun said, "We use beer for
washing our hair back at the convent, we call it a 'Catholic Shampoo'.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and
pulled out a large bag of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with
the beer. She then looked at the nuns, smiled and said, "The curlers
are on the house."
Hearing Angels Sing
The minister of a small congregation
was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front
row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He
couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the
service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the
church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest
lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like
that?" "Why reverend," the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends
tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on
my breasts." "Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth,
placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his
head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not
reverend," she said. "Your not plugged in yet."
Three nuns used to go to the church
from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a
parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns
would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the
colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by
switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored
underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they
devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all.
When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight,
Good evening everyone. I wanted to let you all know since you are my good friends. Over the weekend, my wife and I accepted an offer to sell our home to the people who loves the house. Now we won't know until Friday if everything has been signed sealed and delivered so I'm not going to smile until Friday. But the pressure is off me now and our smaller home is in the process of being built. No more stairs. Whoopee! Thanks for your support my friends. It means a lot.
Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".
Grandma said if you wake up in the
middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If
you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you
wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my
If you don't want to make love, SQUEEZE it 20 times.
Grandma and Grandpa were staying over at their kids house.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in
the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "
next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and
said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
" I know, " said Grandpa. " The hundred is from Grandma!"
Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park
they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.
Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."
Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".
Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."
"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not what it was... you'll forget !"
Good morning friends. Well we have had an offer regarding our house and now our realtor informs us to now send back our counter offer. Hopefully they will send back a new offer. Please pray for me. Our realtor also said that another person wants to come back and see the house again. I'm really worried now. ---------------------------------------
A bouquet of flowers
A man walks past a flower shop one day
and thinks how he never buys flowers for his wife. So he steps in and
orders a nice bouquet of flowers.
He comes home, rings the
doorbell. His wife opens the door. He hands her the bouquet and she goes
wild with excitement! She pulls him in, closes the door and tugs him directly into the bedroom...
In a flash she disrobes, throws herself on the bed, spreads her legs wide open and says:
"Darling! This is for the wonderful bouquet of flowers you bought me!"
The husband looks at her and replies: "Can't you just put them in a vase, like everyone else?"
A cardiac specialist died and at his
funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made
up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and
after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin
rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?"
" I'm a gynecologist. "
A father names has 3 daughters named Petal, Flower, and Brick
Petal asks "dad, why was I named Petal?" He says a petal fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead right after she was born so he named her Petal.
Flower asks "so, dad why was I named Flower?" He says a flower fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead as well right after she was born so he named her Flower.
Good morning my good friends. Yes, I'm happy and I really don't know. Maybe because I'm just happy. We had a person come to check my house and today another person. Well, at least we are having people coming to look at our house. How are you doing with this Covid virus? Still a little scared? I am. ------------------------------------------------
Grandpa's still got it -------------------------------------
A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know
how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch
this," says the brunette. She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside
down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you
doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time
off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out. The blonde starts
walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss. The blonde
replies, "I can't work in the dark!"
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at
least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
My friend pulled a girl on a night out and ended up going back to her house where they made amazing love all night long.
In the morning, she excused herself early as she had to go to work and she left her number for my friend to call her later.
a lie in he got up, showered and dressed, but before he left her house
he couldn’t help but have a quick snoop in her bedroom drawers.
In one drawer he found a french maids outfit, a set of nurses scrubs, and a police woman’s uniform .
When he phoned me later to bring me up to speed he spilled all of the saucy details.
Wow, I said, she sounds like a great girl mate definitely a ‘keeper’.
No he said in reply I’m not interested, I won’t be calling her back.
Why ever not I asked.
He said, she’s too unreliable, can’t even hold down a steady job!
A man walks out to the street and
catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the
cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."
Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank
Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.
He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He
was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
"There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could
do everything right.”
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he
never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make
her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever
measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
Good wonderful morning my friends. Nothing about the selling of my home yet. We are just praying that someone will love to take this home. Things are doing things OK in our place dealing with the virus. My wife is outside cutting the lawn at the moment. She's a wonderful woman.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is
unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for
me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, " I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman which is, to date, unused. "
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said. " Go ahead father. Next please. "
They always ask at the doctor's office
why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's
wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a
Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in
a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions
in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man
walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"