Saturday, May 29, 2021


Good morning friends. Well the rain stopped and the sun is out brightly. I'm not going to bore you with all my problems today. Lets go on with more funny things.

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          Sam seems to understand how to fish.

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
 

 

 



An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...

An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery store and he's amazed by the selection of food. He looks around, and he finds a package of sausages. "Sow-sages - these look good. Tonight, we are going to have sow-sages for supper instead of fish."

He drives back home and asks his wife to cook up the sow-sages for supper that evening.

When supper time comes, the fisherman is sitting at the table. His wife brings his plate out to him, and all he sees are twisted bits of gristle. He says "Dear, what happened to my sow-sages? They looked so good!"

His wife said, Yes, dear - but after you cut off the heads and gut them, there's nothing left!"
 
 
  




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Cruisin Paul



Wednesday, May 26, 2021

 

 

Good morning friends. Well, it's raining again. I feel like a fish. Mud is still the love the area and my lights are still flickering say & night. I need a real electrician.

My pad is done and the problem is I can't buy a shed. They keep saying that there is none around also a gazebo. These use to be so many of them buy when the Covid took place and the government closed the places, it made it so difficult to buy all of these things.

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Why was the mermaid kicked out of Geometry class?

She forgot her Algae-bra.
 
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Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of b shells
 
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A man fell in love with a mermaid

Everything went on smoothly until his mother began to smell something fishy.
 
 
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Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.
 

 


- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.
 
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I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.
 
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Last night I dreamt my math teacher was a mermaid…

and my secret lover.

But she dumped me after I couldn’t unhook her top part.

Too bad. I failed my algae bra test.
 
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Cruisin Paul


 
 

 
 

Sunday, May 23, 2021



Good morning to those who wish to look into my blog.I'll be watching golf today. It's a major and as of now Phil Mickelson is leading. If he wins, he'll be the oldest golfer that wins this major. I hope he does. By the way, he's 50 years old.

This blog today is for my wife Mary Lou. She lived in the farm. So for all of those tremendous farmers, this for you.

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Why are farmers always the best husbands?

They always produce the best seeds.
 
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Why are farmers aggressive gamblers?

Because they raise the steaks.
 
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I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate

But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.
 
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It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, Henry, visibly satisfied, says :

\- My dearest Wilma, I hadn't believed that, at my old age, I would still be able to give you such intense sensations!

To which Wilma replies :
 
Me neither Henry, but remember, back then the fence wasn't yet electrified. !



A Family of Farmers Lived on Manitoba - Minnesota Border

Their farm sat right on the border, and for decades there had been ongoing dispute whether the main house of the farm sat on the U.S. or Canadian side. One day a letter came from the Government and the eldest son opened it.

"Mama," he said to his elderly mother, "The Government finally completed their survey on our land. They finally determined that this house is located on the U.S. side. Because of that, we are officially Americans."

"Good," replied the mother. "I am getting old, my body can no longer take those Canadian winters."
 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

   

Good afternoon everyone. Things are really moving in a more positive one around this area. The plumber was her yesterday to begin changing the pipe outside. He had to cut into AmyLynn's wall. He has to come back today to finish his job.

Yesterday also the man came to begin starting the shed pads for me & my neighbor and the patio for my other neighbor.  He will also clean up my mess in the front yard, horray!  Things are now going  my way, finally.

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A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"


 


Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming

"OH GOD! I'M COMING".
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Teacher & Student Joke

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
 
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Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."
 
 

 
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      I'm a very happy retired teacher. My former students still remember me and are so happy that I taught them. I'm so proud to hear that. I often wondered if I did any thing in my 31 years  as a teacher. I guess I did. 
 
 
Cruisin Paul

      
 

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Saturday Morning With Sun

 I really enjoyed this Welcome idea so I'm going to start my blog every time if you don't mind.


 

Good morning everyone especially my friends who comment on my blog. Well it's been 2 weeks when the builder's people said that they would clean up that crap in the front of my home. I still have mud, rocks, cement and other crap. People around me and those who walk past my home are shocked but it seems that the builder doesn't give a shit. Sorry for my word. I got upset for a moment.

Also, my wife bought a new printer and I took the thing out of the box, took out all of the pieces that doesn't need to be there and I turned it on. It worked. I put the colors in and that worked so I was happy for a moment until it informed me that I needed to go to 123.hp.com to further setup with the software. There I got so upset and turned everything of. This morning the entire printer won't even go on. Why can't just give us a machine that is simple. This world is going nuts.

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My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”**
 

 

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again, in a controlled voice, is saying “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

“Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard’s name is Steve and I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home.
 

 




 My Grandfather a the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all earshot " That ship is going to sink! He was ignored. But he kept it up " Mark my words, that ship will sink on her maiden voyage." 
Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theatre.




What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"
 
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My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.
 
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Cruisin Paul

 

 

Wednesday, May 12, 2021


 

 My friend Carol had this on her blog and I just loved it. Thank you Carol. I love this and I do believe this what being a blogger is all about.

It's Wednesday, Hump day.  Guess what? This area got something new. Coco Paving came and did our roads yesterday. Brand new asphalt and this morning some ass in his dump truck drove on it and left pieces of mud. Well it fit perfectly like my lawn ( mud ).

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Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Grandma: It's midnight, you can't sing now.

Little Karl: But I need to sing really bad!

Grandma: Well ok then. Sing quietly to grannys ear.
 

 



My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gpa: Yah, she’s fine, but she can actually see me now.
 

 



A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
 
 

 

 
 " Hey Grandma, how was your doctor's appointment?"
I think the doctor was flirting with me. He told me I have 
acute angina!" 
 

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Cruisin Paul