Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween Saturday

BOO! Good scary Saturday morning everyone. Yes, it's Halloween and the little monsters will be out later on this evening. Unfortunately it seems that it will be raining when it's time to come and get there goodies. WE still have goodies for the little ones but as every year goes on, it seems there is less and less of them. When I first moved into my castle, the first Halloween we had over 100 children but last year we only had 50 of the little monsters and princesses. I guess there will be more for me to enjoy later.

Chiseling with Fear

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"My family are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name and here I have to correct it!"

Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

A Creepy Tale from a Vienna Graveyard

Chris Cross, a tourist in Vienna, is going passed Vienna's Zentralfriedhof graveyard on October 31st.  All of a sudden he hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.  Chris finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades Tim Burr, a friend, to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.  By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"





Well my friends it's time to go again. Enjoy your Halloween and don't be frightened. Ha,ha,ha.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Very Wet Wednesdy

Since it has been raining throughout the night and it's still raining at the moment I thought my coffee cup would have some sunshine on it for all of you. The weatherman has said that it will be raining all day long so I'm definitely won't be going out today. Tomorrow I have my flu shot. Since I taught many years ago I always had the flu shot and at least for me it helps. I've been retired 10 years, oh my God, 10 years already, I still have my flu shot. Do you take your flu shot or don't you believe in it?


                                                                           Hands Up!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

 A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"



               We just left the mainland of St Maarten on the water taxi. There is my cruise ship.


                                                                         Chef Paolo

                                      Well that's it for today. Enjoy your day everyone. 
                                                                            SEE YA!


Monday, October 26, 2015

A Cold But Sunny Monday

Good morning my good friends. I had a very interesting weekend. After lunch I tried to get into my computer but my internet was out. there was a phone number to call to assist me but when I went to make the call, my phones were out, nothing and on the phone there was a sentence saying check the phone line. How in the heck could I check the line if the phone is dead. Finally using my wife's cell phone was able to call Bell. Now I have to let you know, I'm a klutz with these new cell phones. I had to call my daughter Nicole and come over and teach me just to be able call and receive a call. Dumb aren't I? Finally we got a person to speak to and they would send a technician to check on it but they wouldn't be over until tomorrow between 12 - 5. Finally he came and checked my lines and he said one of my phone lines were dead or so he thought. Bell has a big box at the beginning of each street where the lines come into each home in the area. He went there to start my line again but to has amazement, he found that my line into the main box had been taken out. After putting it back in, everything was back to normal. My lines into the house were great, no dead lines. I wonder why the main line in the box was loosened.? Mmmmmmmmmm. Today Mary Lou & I go to have coffee & donuts and Time Horton's with Nancy & Ed, she's my travel agent. We have to give her the last check for our cruise. Usually we go to Windsor but she was coming to town anyway. 


A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. "Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman. "Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?" "There's no electricity in the house…" said the lady.

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The sexy gal went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."


Hopefully you'll be laughing by now. Have a wonderful Monday everyone. 

                                                            " SEE YA "


Friday, October 23, 2015

Cold Friday

Good morning everyone. This is a sad day. My friend Sandee & her husband Zane lost a vcry great. There Little Bit past away to roam with the other dogs in dog heaven. I'm so sorry for my friends today. I lost a wonder pet called Bruno years ago and when ever I see a boxer that looks like Bruno it brings back lovely memories. RIP Little Bit.

I Loved You Best

So this is where we part, My Friend,
And you'll run on, around the bend.
Gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you'll surely find.

I will go on; I'll find the strength,
Life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
Share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,
But they be they, and they aren't you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
Will remember well all you've taught.

Your place I'll hold, you will be missed,
The fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
Take with you this...I loved you best.

-Jim Willis


I don't feel much today about jokes this morning so I'll wait until my next blog day to bring on the fun and laughs. Have a wonderful Friday and if you have a pet, hold them in your arms tight today and think about Sandee's Little Bit. 

                                                                    " SEE YA "


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

It's Going T Be A Rainy Wednesday

Good morning all of you exciting friends. Yes, I'm feeling well this cold and expected rainy day. I went golfing with Gerry yesterday and did we have an enjoyble day I even did well since I haven't been out that often this year. Well Canada is now in control with another party after the election. The Conservatives were in control for over 10 years but after Monday, the Liberals literally destroyed them and that gives the Liberals in a majority in the house, they will be running our country. Our new Prime Minister is Justin Trudeau and many years ago when I was young, his father Pierre E. Trudea was Canada's Prime Minister. Deju vu. Well we're just going to see what he can do for us. Did I mention to say, he is 42 years old. Wow!


                                                                       " CATFISH "

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

Death: It's your time. give me your hand
Blonde: No! I know that if I don't touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy crap! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Typical blonde..

This is a true story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"

She says, "I'm 5'4 and I 'm in the front seat."


"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"



                                                          " Paradise Island, Nassau "

Well it's starting to rain. I might as well go get another coffee and watch some TV. Enjoy your day where ever you're at my friends.

                                                                           " SEE YA "

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Cold, Cold Sunday

Good morning friends. I hope you feeling well. Yesterday my fireplace suddenly stopped with the flame. It seems that the wire that turns on the flame stopped. The rest of the thing is still working except the flame. I'll have to call for assistance. The company where I bought the thing is no longer there so I may have to eventually buy a new one, I hope not if it's just a small wire. My  friend Al call yesterday and informed me that they won't able to visit until Wednesday because they have other thing in the wind. They asked if I'm OK with that.. Why would not be OK with that. I said Al, we'll see you both on Wednesday. Right. Canada's baseball team, the Toronto Blue Jays lost both the games in Kansas City and now they come back and play in Toronto. Oh well life goes on.


Elizabeth and her Sunday School

Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent.'  The flight to Egypt,' said Bert. 'I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, 'Elizabeth said, 'But who's the fourth person?' Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.'

Blonde's Appendicitis

A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

Baking Blondes

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

Ash Blonde

Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon."
"Well then, how come He doesn't do it?" she asked.



Leaving Miami.

That's it for today. Rest yourselves today because tomorrow starts another day.

 " SEE YA "