Saturday Morning

Good morning my friends. I'm feeling a little silly this morning. My back lawn is has not been placed down yet. In two weeks it will be October. Maybe I'll get my backyard down on my birthday ( Oct. 1st )

Mary Lou cut the front yard an it looks great. 

I'm having a problem with allergies. My nose was clogged for the second time. I never had a problem when I was living in Pointe West but living in Ironside it has a pain in the derriere.

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 A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge.” 

The female doctor says, “Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there.” 

The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. 

The man’s head starts wobbling and he’s got a big smile on his face. 

After five minutes of this, the doctor says, “There’s no discharge here.” 

The man replies, “I know, it’s in my ear.”

 

 

 

Childhood was wonderful

When i was a child

*PUSSY meant a CAT.

*SEX meant the GENDER of a person.

*BITCH meant a FEMALE DOG.

*DICK was the name of a CARTOON CHARACTER.

*BANG was just a SOUND.

*RUBBER was just an ERASER.

*ASS was the name of an ANIMAL.

*SCREW was just a fixing TOOL.

*HEAD meant that part of the body above NECK.

*BALLS meant CRICKET BALLS, TENNIS BALLS, VOLLEY BALLS, FOOT BALLS etc.

*NUTS meant DRYFRUITS.

 

       Do you remember when you were young?

 

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. 

 

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!

 

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 Cruisin Paul

 
 

 

 

Early Voting in Canada

Good morning everyone. Mary Lou & I went to have breakfast with friends Gerry & Shirley Monforton. They used to live across from us in Pointe West. We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast and conversation.

After we went to vote. Canada's government chose to have us vote at this time. To tell you honestly, our politicians are useless. The guy who won the last time, I haven't seen him in our area until this new election came up. Suddenly, I see him around. What a waste.

Our lawn in the front is now growing. As far as in the back, I still have dirt. This so called landscaper always finds an excuse. 

Happy, happy, I getting a new shed built called Ero - Shed. I'm excited.

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A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

 

 

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

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What does the Italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto.

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One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “ I think he said,Holy Shit! A talking Pig".

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

9/11 Rememberance

 Tomorrow will be 20 years to 9/11. 2001.

I was in my classroom with my students jut starting our day and suddenly the principal came on the PA informing us that  unfortunately a very serious situation took place in New York where a plane has crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I had my class say a prayer for all of those in the building. Little did we know that a little later another plane did the second building. We opened our TV in the class and were shocked with the scenes in New York,
a third plane hit the Pentagon just outside Washington, D.C., and the fourth plane crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

Since Amherstburg was just across the Detroit River  from Michigan we started thinking, who else is going attacked. Our friends were just across from us.

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GANDER, Newfoundland — They’re called “the plane people” here because on Sept. 11, 2001, some 6,700 passengers on 38 planes descended on this piney little town of about 10,000 people on the northeastern end of Newfoundland. 

 

In Gander, buildings were hastily converted into makeshift shelters and townspeople opened up their homes, came out with food and gave up their own beds to strangers from almost 100 countries.

 

Many of those “plane people” returned here on Sunday to reflect on that day and to thank the residents for their hospitality.

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 I'm not sure what I'll be doing tomorrow but I'm sure I'll be thinking about all of those heroes who died the two trade Center buildings, the Pentagon and those heroes who died in Shanksville, Penn.

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Cruisin Paul

 

Good Sunday Morning Friends. Well they put sod onto our land and what a mess. This guy is a jerk. Guess who he had to play the sod in? Children, yes, it young kids. They had no idea what to do but they took the sod and just throw the sod down and they had no idea what to do with them. They weren't joined together nor butted together. You could tell he didn't care. Yes, he had kids to put the sod down. Oh my God.

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A sixty year old millionaire ran into an old friend in a jewelry store after a gap of several years and proudly introduces him to his gorgeous twenty eight year old wife.

The friend eyes her as she tries on a necklace in the tabletop mirror and whispers, "You lucky dog, how did you net someone like her?"

The millionaire leans in closer and whispers conspiratorially, "I told her that I was eighty."

 

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Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

 

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies:

”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

 

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Cruisin Paul

 
 

 

Another Wednesday has started. My neighbor across the street has experienced a problem, the pipe the builder, the same builder unfortunately the pipe was crushed in the building of her home and since that she's had many water problems. They told her that her family over put paper in the toilet. How stupid and now they found out it wasn't her & her family but the guys during the building crushed the pipe. The Tradesmen that the builder has are so stupid and that is the mine problems with all the many problems we have in these new homes. I think that the town of Amherstburg just lets these builders go and don't even check what goes on.

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After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.

"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"

The snakes stared at him in confusion.

"But....we're adders."

 

 

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

 

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What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

Not a dam thing.

 

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In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.

I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.

 

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A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Good morning friends and it is a great morning. On Tuesday morning the owner of the lights came in and changed ever light in our home. I know the guy very well and he's a great guy. After he put the new lights in he said I hope this will help with your problem. Well, after two day, we haven't had a light flickering. We still have to wait for a few more days but it's looking good.

They were suppose to bring the sod Wednesday but unfortunately it rained during the night and it had to be cancelled until later.

I'm smiling more today. 

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John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.

- John, where you go?

- I’m going to pee outside. Be right back!

Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:

- John! It’s raining?

- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!

 

 

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

 

 

 

Three guys are walking down a street ...

A rich man, middle class man and a unemployed man are walking down a very windy street with their wives. A strong gust of wind causes the skirts of the wives to rise up and their husbands notice none of the women were wearing any panties.


The rich man turns to his wife and asks her why she wasn’t wearing any panties? Wife replies: “You don’t give me money to buy any!”. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $100 bill and gives it to his wife. His wife leaves to buy panties.

The middle class man asks his wife the same question. His wife gives the same reply. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $50 bill and gives it to his wife. She leaves to buy panties.

The unemployed man asks his wife the same question and his wife gives the same reply as the other two wives. The husband reaches into his pocket, pulls out a comb and gives it to his wife saying, “ Well tidy yourself up a bit then”.

 

 

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Cruisin Paul