Saturday, June 19, 2021


 Tomorrow is Sunday, June 20th. A very special day. It's FATHER"S DAY. For all of you DADS, rest and enjoy your day. I'll be watching the U.S. Open. A day of watching men hitting their balls.

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My last blog was for all of you coffee drinkers so this blog will be for the lovely tea drinkers.

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our Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence."

The fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly.

The three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son.

With a smug look on her face she replies, "My son is a 6' 5" muscular man, with a chiseled jaw and arms as big as pipes. And when he walks into a room all the woman say, " Oh My God".
 

 



Made holy water while making my tea yesterday

I just boiled the hell out of it
 
 

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.
 
 

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches
 
 
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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Good morning everyone. My neighbor Dave has plugged the drainage system that will help us both when the rain comes off the roofs. His son and friend dug the line that helped both of us and now I should do all right. I could have never done this without their help. Great neighbors.

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
 
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A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the priest's neck. Given the miracle, the priest is allowed to walk free.

Next comes the alcoholic. The executioner offers him the same choice, "Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?". The alcoholic says "I want to face up... to remember my glorious drinking days". So the alcoholic lies face up. The executioner releases the blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man's neck. Given the miracle, the alcoholic is allowed to walk free.

Finally, it's the engineer's turn. Once again, the executioner offers him the same choice, "Face up or face down?". The engineer scratches his head and says "face up I guess". So the engineer lies face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the blade, the engineer starts shouting. "WAIT WAIT!! .... I found the problem!".
 
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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
>There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.

Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to piss in the boat."
 

 
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Cruisin Paul

 
 

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Good Thursday morning friends. Well they told us that it was suppose to rain 5 every day yet here is the 4th and no rain. So times I want rain and so times I don't. This place is just driving me nuts. I think I need a glass of wine.(I don't drink alcohol )

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A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!
 
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My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."
 
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n 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how old your father died ...?'

- 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died.

Doctor (surprised): - 'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...?
So how old is he now ....? '

- 'He is 102 years old and cycling with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'

Doctor - 'This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?

--- 'Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'

Doctor (puzzled) -
'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '

--- 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'

--- 'I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'

- *'Taking a cold breath!* No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.

Doctor (on the verge of going mad) -
'What did you say? marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?

--- 'Who said he wanted to get married ....?
He has to be forced.'

- 'But why' ........ Doctor shouted!

- 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'

*The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since, The clinic is closed.*
 

 



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Cruisin Paul

 

Saturday, June 5, 2021

 


 

Good morning everyone. I set up for the second dosage for my wife & I. It's on Tuesday morning to get our shots on the same place, the Libro Centre just around where we live. I'm praying to God that some how our electrical system will work someday. It's nuts around here. Lights flickering in all areas of the room and now two plugs don't work. Trying to get the breaker back to normal is impossible. Life goes on I guess.



An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
 
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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.
 
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I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
 
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he's an idiot.
 
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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Romans who found out you could do it with women."
 

 
 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, June 2, 2021


 


 “St. Peter and the Three Nurses”

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”

 


 


“Three Wishes”

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. “I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.

The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

 


 


The Recruiting Game”

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which to choose?” She asked. “That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”

With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. “Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.” With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks. When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.” The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”


 



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Cruisin Paul