Friday, November 26, 2021

Good morning friends. I hope that my American friends are full of turkey and prepared for Christmas. I'm ready for Christmas. 

My tree is completed and my home is decorated for the season. So if you aren't ready, my blogs will be totally about Christmas until after the season. 

Last night we visited our neighbors Ron & Judy. What a great evening we had. I had to show Ron my new walker. Yes, I have to go around with a walker now. I think my stroke of years ago ( 1977 ) is now taking over my body. I'm having difficulties with jut walking. My brain is doing very well but my body is getting weak so I needed a walker. Oh well, that's life.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.

He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.

Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”

And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 


 



Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable.

“Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”

She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”

The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?”

Santa says, " Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can't get up the chimney this way! " 

 


 
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.


Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?

Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.


Why are Christmas trees better than men?

Even the small ones give satisfaction.

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Cruisin Paul


 
 

Thursday, November 18, 2021

A very good morning everyone. Well, yesterday was 62 degrees and after the cold front, this morning it's 32 degrees. WOW! 

This week my family, the 3 of us set up the house for Christmas. I put the Christmas tree up and my wife & daughter did the rest of it. I love Christmas time.

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  • What's the best song to play while cooking a turkey? All About That Baste.
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  •  What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky!

  • What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing wing wing!
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  • What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving? Vegetarians.
  •  
  • Can a turkey jump higher than a house? Yes, because houses can't jump!
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  • Why do turkeys love rainy days? They love fowl weather.
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  • Why do turkeys gobble? Because they never learned table manners.
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  • What's a popular Thanksgiving dance? The turkey trot.
  •  
  • Why do turkeys only star in R-rated movies? Because they use fowl language!


 


 

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

Q: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? A: Twerky.

 

Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places.

 

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: A wrapper!

 

Q: Elves use what kind of money? A: Jingle bills!

 

Q: What does Santa say when Mrs. Claus asks for the weather forecast? A: “Rain, dear.”

 

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

 

Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up? A: It doesn’t have legs.

 

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping? A: Santa Jaws.

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe.

 


 


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Cruisin Paul


 

 

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Good morning everyone. Winter time has begun. This morning the weatherman informed us that on Sunday we should end up about 2 inches of SNOW. Crazy white stuff. He also told us that on Wednesday it would be 58 degrees. This world is nuts.

This morning I woke up and I was having a problem with pain on my back. I couldn't walk until later I felt better. 

             The American Thanksgiving will be in about two weeks and my wife took out our Christmas tree. Interesting isn't it.

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After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think that was good for anybody.”
- Garry Shandling

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- Woody Allen

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Dead On Christmas Eve

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s.”

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Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? A: Twerky.

Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places.

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: A wrapper!

Q: Elves use what kind of money? A: Jingle bills!

Q: What does Santa say when Mrs. Claus asks for the weather forecast? A: “Rain, dear.”

 


 


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Cruisin Paul



Monday, November 8, 2021

It's a Little Warmer This Week.

Today it's going to be in the 60's and that's in the third week of November. Amazing. There's not much else to say this week. Hopefully I'll have more to say.

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 One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" 

mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman." The next day, he overheard his parents 

having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to 

"hats" and "coats." At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, 

"Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut." A week later, guests arrive 

for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! 

Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"

 


 

 

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of 

 

a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, 

"The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson 

replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

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Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm. They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially. The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. "One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning. Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers. "That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work. At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression. "You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"

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A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked 

up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to 

turkeys." Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. 

"That was amazing," exclaimed the coach. "I have never seen anything like that! How much do you 

want for a year?" "Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the 

season go past thanksgiving?" 

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After Thanksgiving dinner mother had to go to the bathroom to get rid of all the food she ate.


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 Cruisin Paul


 

Tuesday, November 2, 2021

The Shed is Built.

Good evening my friends. On Monday the Euro - shed company came at 7:30am to put up my shed. These men worked hard and after 3 hours the shed was completed. Here it is.

 Now my wife and I have to put all the materials inside, buy some hooks to put on the sides and buy a lock.

I asked my neighbor who is also a high school teacher if he would be able to design an English P and make it to put on the front of my place. He laughed because he was excited to do it. Here is the final touch and him putting the letter up.


 


 Here is Glen Holden, a General Amherst High School teacher. It was amazing because this was the high school that I graduated grade 12 & 13.

Saturday my fire alarm went crazy. I called the fire department and one fireman came and he disarm the thing. He told me the problem was the damn thing was dead. We were all amazed because this fire alarm should be for 10 years. This was my second one to die. He thinks the builder gave me two cheap ones. What else is new. We will be getting a new one.

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A young man who worked at a grocery store had just finished stocking the turkeys in the freezer when a woman approached and asked, “Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No ma’am,” he replied. “These turkeys are dead.”

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1. What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace? “Grace.”

2. Why did Mom’s turkey seasoning taste a little off last year? She ran out of thyme.

3. What’s the official dance of Thanksgiving called? The turkey trot.

4. What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving? You’ll both be filled with stuffing.


 



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Cruisin Paul


 

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Wednesday Cold & Yucky.

Hi there bloggers. I've had an opportunity to write this blog right after dinner. As my beginning statement says, it's cold & yucky. 

I went early this week and had my flu shot. I had no problem and I feel good. I miss the sun and warmth. Monday is coming soon and as my daughter said, Dad, Monday is suppose to be a very good day to put up your shed. Thank goodess.

The other night our fire alarm began having little noises. We found out that it was dust causing the thing to make those noises. The man explained that you should clean around it every month. I didn't realize that. Did you?

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An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset.

  Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
 
  A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk
  replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

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The Howling Husband

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked
meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna
eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home
from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food
down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing
things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to
herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY :)

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he was, protested. But she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"


                 Happy Halloween Friends.

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Cruisin Paul