Sunday, July 14, 2019

A Very Hot And Sweaty Sunday

Good morning my friends and I'm happy saying friends. It has been very hot around here lately. They keep saying rain but no rain. Since we decided to sell and try to find a new place, now I've been looking around and trying to get rid of much of things that have been around. That's easy for me but everytime I try to throw things out my wife says wait a minute, I'll check first. It drives me nuts. LOL I know what I'll do, when she out I'll throw stuff away. What do you think? Ha,ha,ha.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" 

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"  

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!" 

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                                               " See ya "

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Cruisin Paul

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Hump Day Wednesday

Good Hump Day Wednesday my wonderful friends. Well, we've, my wife & I have decided to sell our house and find a smaller one. Climbing the stairs have created a problem for me and that's it. I'm tired and scared that I might fall. I've fallen enough. The last fall has created a fear that I can't even swing a golf club with even falling. Enough is enough. Now the other problem we have is trying to get rid of all junk we have built up 28 years in this home. I'll start today.

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“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

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All The Benefits

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive after dark!"



 

Let me think for a second


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


"Will I Live To 80?"

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."








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   " See Ya My Friends Until The Next Day "

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Cruisin Paul
  

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Beautiful, Hot, Sunny Saturday

Hi there friends. After we all enjoyed our holidays, now we can just sit and enjoy the rest of summer. 
I'm trying to find out and small vacation place for my wife & I. She wants to go to a cottage. I tried it out last year and it didn't work out. I told her to find a place and let me know and we'll go.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick!
Spit’em out!
They’re assholes!”


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Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”


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Boss: *Shouting* “Little Johnny come to my office right now…”
Little Johnny: “Yes sir”!
Boss : “Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?”
Little Johnny: “Yes sir!, the customer is always right”.
Boss : “So what were you arguing about with that customer?”
Little Johnny: “He said my boss is stupid and an idiot sir”!
Boss: “That bustard. What did u say to him?”
Little Johnny: “I told him he’s right.”


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     " See Ya Friends Until The Next Time "


Cruisin Paul

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

U.S.A

Good morning my friends all around the world. Today is the 4th of July, Independence Day in the United States. To show you my respect for the country across the Detroit River from me, ( Michigan ), my blog today is for them.





Have a great holiday my friends.


Cruisin Paul

Monday, July 1, 2019

CANADA



 






Good morning Friends, this special day for Canada. 


Cruisin Paul

 

Saturday, June 29, 2019

Hot, Hot Saturday

Good Morning Friends. Well this Emily's graduate party day. My daughter AmyLynn spent time yesterday baking and decorating cupcakes blue & yellow, the colours of Emily's school.
 I took care of the card and my wife created a dish of fruit. Tonight should be a lot of fun for my granddaughter, Emily.


This will be the last thing I'll write about her but I love her much I would like to continue about her but she's told me to cool it about her. She's feeling a little embarrassed .

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Earlier this summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow new to boating was having a problem. No
matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner
to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power he supplied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.




 
Summer Job
 
 For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care 
 
centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The 
 
interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can 
 
you give me one good reason we should hire you?" "Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job. 
 
 
 
The Beach
 
 Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get 
 
something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my 
 
way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," she said, "but I have to 
 
finish the rest of the rooms beforehand. 




      
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

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Bragging About Son Joke Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

Read more at:
Bragging About Son Joke Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

Read more at:

   

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is…having friends.
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is…having sex.
At age 35 success is…having money.
At age 50 success is…having money.
At age 60 success is…having sex.
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is…having friends.
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants














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 "Have A Happy Summer Friends"

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Cruisin Paul






Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Friendly Wednesday

Good morning everyone. As I said wrote the last blog,  my granddaughter graduated out of grade school. Last Monday night she received three awards and said her valedictorian speech. Here are a few photos of the evening.

                                       
                  





                                                              valedictorian speech




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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"



 One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?” The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?” The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.” So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.” “And how about the Martian woman?” The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my damn ears all night long!”







My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?" He said, "A bus passed over his finger!" I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause." My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"





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 " See Ya My Friends "


Cruisin Paul