Saturday, January 23, 2021

Sunny Saturday Before Heavy Snow.

It's so nice seeing the sun this morning. One thing that is amazing is the fact that we haven't had a great deal of snow this year. I put my Camero in my garage when we had the first snow but since that we've had nothing. Now they say that on Monday we are suppose to have 5 inches of snow. We'll see.

                 ------------------------------



           Good morning everyone.



A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"

 

 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, " What would you do if you had to arrest your on mother?"

He said , " Call for backup. "

               --------------------------------


Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

 


The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, " What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, " I guess, not enough because I have to go back tomorrow."



Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"

Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"

"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"

 


 

                     -------------------------------




Cruisin Paul




 

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Saturday Morning

Well Guess what? It's Saturday. I had a weird week. Wednesday night my nose started to bleed and I couldn't stop it. The ambulance was called, they took me to the hospital and it was crazy. I was there for 7 hours. The doctor checked me for 5 minutes after 3 hours. They didn't have enough people working so I was alone for hours. When the doctor finally came back for hours, he asked if I had had my blood checked. I said no body came. OK, it doesn't matter . I doesn't matter, you told me they were going to check my blood. He than shoved this thing up my nose so far the pain was unbelievable. Finally I could go home. It was 4:00am. I had to go back on Friday to have that thing out of my nose. That took another 6 hours. I know the hospitals have problems with Covid but I had to wait until to take the out and I could have pulled it out myself. Confusion reigns in hospitals today.

                     ----------------------------------------





"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00!"


 

    An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"


 

When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 


                   -------------------------------------------------



                   ----------------------------------------------------


Cruisin Paul



Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Hi there everyone. I guess I'm sort of happy this afternoon. Not sure yet but we'll see. I guess you think I'm crazy. We've been having a problem with our electrical system in our new home and these people who built the darn place aren't really helping us. They always have some form of an excuse. Without me having a heart attack, my wife is dealing with it. She doesn't want to get involved at all. Soooooooooo, I won't

                  ---------------------------





SUNDAY MORNING SEX

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.”

She paused, wiped away a tear, and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

 


 A woman and a baby waited in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for him to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and commented the baby wasn’t gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

“Breastfed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma … but I’m glad I came.”

 


 

RAISING THE DEAD

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set, and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set, and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”

 


        -----------------------------------------------



That's me, a grandparent.


Cruisin Paul



Saturday, January 9, 2021

Well my friends, this morning is a new day. The sun is out, it's warmer the yesterday, 30 degrees from 29 degrees. LOL Watching the TV still bothers me but things will get better. It has to. So, lets get laughing.

             ----------------------------------





My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and it's leg broke/ So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the Carousel started freaking out though.


                                -------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

My grandpa says I'm too reliant on technology.

 I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
 
                       --------------------------------------------------
 


Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"What? Why?" grandpa asks.

So Little Johnny says, "Last night I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We're going to Disneyland only when that old man kicks the bucket'".
 

 

                             ------------------------------------------------



                --------------------------------------------------------------



Cruisin Paul

 

 

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Wednesday Evening, Jan. 6th 2021

Good evening my friends. Because I'm a Canadian, I'll try to be careful of what I'm going to say. I never thought I'd ever see the day that a country experienced a political coup but it happened in the United States. That's all I will say. Now lets have a funny stuff.



My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
 

 

My grandma is still hot.

We just got her back from the crematory.
 
              -----------------------------------------------------------
 

How do you make your grandma lose 2 kg ?

You empty the urn
 
 

 



My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)
 

 
                    ----------------------------------
 
        Have A Wonderful Day & Keep Safe.
 
 
Cruisin Paul

 

 

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Saturday, Jan. 2nd, 2021

Good morning everyone or anyone who happens to check in my blog. It seems that I'm losing friends. Oh well, I'm here this morning. Yesterday at noon my phones went down and they were out went I went to bed at 11:00pm. I was able to get Bell Facebook and a wonderful guy named Francis chatted with me. He said that he would help but it might take 24 to 48 hrs to help. Well surprise when I woke up my phones were up & going. Francis later informed me that he got them quickly to fix the problem. Thank you Francis.

                -------------------------------



A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We will take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.' Yaba Daba.




There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
 

 



 When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory.


I forgot my response.
 

                        Have a Wonderful day.
 
               -------------------------------------------------

 
Cruisin Paul