Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Rain, Rain Go Away .

Hello, everyone. Here we are still in rain. It's impossible to get out golfing because the course is like a swamp. Going out with a cart is impossible and they won't allow one until it is dry and when that is, I'm not sure.
My friend Gerry is gone, I believe to have an operation on his eye. I hope that it everything works out well for him. 
MaryLou & I went to Kingsville to get our yearly flowers to arrange around our yard. I'll show them to you after they grow a little more.


Loving wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could
further his stress.
Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.

A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.
Man: Honey, you´ve been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account.....and you know what?
Wife: What?
Man: I think you´re bad luck.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."


Me as best man:
I heard the best man’s speech should last as long as the groom lasts in bed. Thank you very much for your attention. Enjoy the wedding.  


My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.


 This is true love with a husband & wife.


That's It For Now My Friends.


Cruisin Paul                                                 


Saturday, May 25, 2019

Sunny Saturday Threatened Thunderstorms

Good morning friends. With all these storms, tornadoes and floods around the US & Canada you'd wonder what's going on. We're getting a lot of rain but nothing like those poor people Texas up to Kansas and to Michigan. Just watching those poor people lose everything.
Last week we visited my Aunt Mary and she looks pretty good but unfortunately after giving her a kiss, she asked my uncle, who is this man. I almost cried. I keep praying for her. Wednesday night Meilin took us out for dinner and we talked about Al. He's going down hill. He won't even eat and I believe that he's just giving up. These diseases take away life from my aunt and dear friend. Maybe some day they will find away to save people but not my Aunt Mary & Al.


The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra." Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!" Wife: "You wear shorts!"


                    " SEE YA UNTIL THE NEXT TIME "

Cruisin Paul

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Nice Day, Rain, And Sun Again Sunday

Good evening my friends. We've had a very unusual day. A very beautiful morning turning into heavy rain and tonight it's beautiful again. 
Tomorrow my wife & I are going to see my Aunt Mary who is in the Amherstburg Nursing Home. Aunt Mary is my mother's sister and she's 85 years old and has Alzheimer's disease. 
On Tuesday I plan on going to the range and see if I can hit some golf balls, Steveo my friend from London I said golf balls. LOL

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex: - You can GET chocolate. - Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft. - You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. - You can have chocolate in in public. - If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind. - The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. - You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. - No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate. - Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. - You can have chocolate at any time of the month. - You are never too young or too old for chocolate. - Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.


An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."



                     " See Ya For Now "


Cruisin Paul


Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Springtime Wednesday

Good morning everyone. I'm so happy that finally and I mean finally that it's warm around here in Amherstburg. The next 7 days will be in the high 60's and low 70's. I think it's about time to get out hit the golf balls. 
I think my Camero has been itching to get out and zoom, zoom around the roads. Tomorrow I'll be going for for a McDonald's lunch with my cousins Dan & Tony.


 An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


" See Ya Friends Until The Next Time "

Cruisin Paul                                                     

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Beautiful Sunny Saturday

Good morning my friends.Finally, a day without rain. Mary Lou finally enjoyed cutting the back grass and I helped changing the bags of grass. The grass was so thick that we had 4  large bags. Hopefully Nicole can come over and finish the rest of the lawn. 
I friend Al has gotten worse. Meilin informed us that he's having problems with walking and he's now in a wheelchair. She told us to wait until he's fully relaxed in his new place before we should visit him. I just want to see him and have him hear my voice. 
I went outside yesterday and tried swinging a couple golf clubs. Soon I'll be out playing golf with my friends again.


Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

   A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

 A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.


A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA." The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."


A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."



Problem Checked
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a ‘clunk’.
He then made a left turn and again heard a ‘clunk’.
Back at the shop he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, “Removed bowling ball from trunk".






                 " See Ya Soon Everyone. "

  Cruisin Paul

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Beautiful Sunny Wednesday

Good morning my friends. As I earlier said, the sun is out bright and beautiful. We've been having a lot of rain lately and many people here in Canada and the United States are having many problems due to rain. Today my wife & daughter are having lunch with Meilin after she leaves Al and his doctor. We plan on seeing my friend on Saturday. 
I spoke with one of my American friends yesterday and he said that he was frightened with what has been going on in his country. He said that he felt that the President Trump and the Republican Party are an authoritarian party not showing his country's Democracy. All I said to him was that we in Canada are having our problems with our government. I said to him that I wondered what was going on in both our countries.  He said that we both had better start praying. 



 Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?


 Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.


As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:

 "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."

  A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."



There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?" The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in." The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?" The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger." The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."



I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. 

How do you do that? 

I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!



        " See Ya Until The Next Time "


Cruisin Paul




Thursday, May 2, 2019

Warm Thursday

Good afternoon friends. I just got back from lunch with my cousins Dan & Tony. We enjoyed having MacDonald's hamburgers, coffee & great conversion. 
My friend Al is having some problems having the change at the Nursing Home in Windsor. It will take some time for him to understand why the change is good for him & Meilin. It hurts me so much seeing my friend change in front of my eyes. Lord give me strength to help him when I plan on seeing him soon.


                                              Mother - In - Law

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.Favourite mother-in-law joke
It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'


My mother-in-law caused an argument in a pub and half a dozen men set upon her and dragged her to the floor, screaming.  The barman turned to Les and asked "Aren't you going to help?" "Nah!" says Les, "Six should be enough!

A Prospective Italian Mother-in-law

Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Rocco for dinner; he lives with a female roommate, Maria.  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Rocco's roommate is.
As the evening went on, MaMa watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, Rocco volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Rocco saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So Rocco sat down and wrote this email:

Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son

.... Several days later, Rocco received this response from his MaMa:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa

Psychic Mother in lawWhen Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. 'Your mother insulted me,' she sobbed.
'My mother?' spluttered Roger, 'How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?'
'I know.' Norma gulped, 'But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.'
'At the end of the letter it was written:
Dear Norma , When you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son, Roger.'


Help Mother in LawLouise, a young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket.
Ian, her young husband was standing by the switch.
'Hello, darling,' greeted the mother, 'Ian has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.'


                     " See ya My Friends "

Cruisin Paul