Saturday, October 19, 2019

Cold But Sunny Saturday

Good Saturday morning everyone. Yesterday I went to the hospital to have the cyst on my big toe. The only problem was I had to at the hospital early in the morning. They sent to a room waiting to call me and every chair was filled with women. They were there to have a colonoscopy. Wow, my big toe and their, well you know what I mean.  later my wife and I went to have breakfast. Tomorrow night we are going to Riccardo's Italian Restaurant, my special place. We are going with our friend Meilin, Al's wife. Also with her  will be Jasmine, Al's daughter from Vancouver, BC.She's spending some time to see her dad in the nursing home. Al hadn't seen her since her wedding. The first thing he said when she entered his room was " I love you ". She just lost it. At times he can remember people. I hope he remembers me when I go back to see him.

              --------------------------------------------------





A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'



Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

 






Doctor: "You look exhausted." Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.

                    --------------------------------------------

Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen!"

                        ------------------------------------------


        --------------------------------------------------------------



                     " See Ya The Next Time Friends "



CRUISIN PAUL

 






Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Very Cold Tuesday

Good morning my blogger friends. Yesterday was Canada's Thankgiving. I spent time setting up and cooking our turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, broccli and garlic bread. It went well and everyone was stuffed to the gills. 

                      --------------------------

Q.   How do you make Holy Water?
A.   Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.


Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.


Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A.  Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.


Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down


 


 
 Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"





The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"



Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

                      ------------------------

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?" Wife: "That's your job." Hasband: "Says who?" Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page." Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee." Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."


                         ----------------------



"Have A Wonderful Tuesday Everyone"


Cruisin Paul
 

Monday, October 14, 2019

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving
To All Of My Blogging Friends.



Cruisin Paul
 





Thursday, October 10, 2019

Warm Thursday

Guess what? I'm still here. Good morning friends. I golfed yesterday for the last time this year because after Saturday it' going to be cold and wet and I don't like golfing when it's cold and wet. I did well yesterday except I fell at the 16th tee. After hitting the ball and going to the cart I tripped and boom down I went. I got up and finished the game but today, man I'm so sore. I have to remember I'm getting old. LOL Now that's an introduction to my blog,  Old People.

                            ---------------------------------



Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?’
‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.’


                                    -------------------------

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.





An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
“You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer.
“You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her.
“You used to nibble on my ear.”
“Let me get my teeth.”



 " Now that is me everymorning "  ( Cruisin Paul )

                       ---------------------------------------

What are the three best things about Alzheimer’s Disease?
1. You make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You make new friends every day.






3 nursing home residents were talking about aging outside of their nursing home. The 60 year old resident said “60 is the worst age to be. You constantly feel like you have to pee but most of the time nothing happens.”
The 70 year old resident responds “That's nothing compared to being 70. You can't take a crap anymore. You eat all of the bran and take laxatives you can and still nothing happens.”
The 80 year old said, “You're both wrong. 80 is actually the worst.”
The 60 year old asked the 80 year old, “Do you have trouble peeing too?” He responded, “No. I go at 6 every morning. I have no problem at all.”
The 70 year old asked him, “Do you have trouble taking a crap?” “No, I go at 6:30 each morning” the 80 year old responded.
The 60 year old said “Let me understand you clearly. You go #1 every morning at 6am and #2 every morning half an hour later. What's so hard about being 80?”
The 80 year old concluded, “All of those things are true, but I don't wake up until 10am.”





                        ----------------------------------------


                                 " See Ya Friends "




CRUISIN PAUL

 









Saturday, October 5, 2019

Cold Saturday Brrrr.

Well, well, well my good friends, good morning here in cold Amherstburg, Ontario, Canada. Right across the Detroit River is Michigan, USA. They are also cold today. Some Americans in the US really think that if they were crossing the Ambassador Bridge during the summer that they think that when you enter Windsor, there is snow and ice right away. Amazing. Detroit is hot and across the bridge is Window that is cold. Oh well

                      ------------------------


After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador’s costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, “I m Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.” The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, “Ole!” and quickly moved it aside.


A man calls the fire department and says, “Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.” “Very nice,” the firefighter says, “but what does that have to do with the fire service?” “Well,” the man answers, “the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.”



The firefighter climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette, "Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month".
"But, I'm not pregnant!"
"You're not rescued yet!"

                                                 ------------------------------

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

                                                  -------------------------------

 
                                ----------------------------


              " Have A Great Day  My Good Friends "


Cruisin Paul
  

Monday, September 30, 2019

Monday Before My Birthday

Good morning everyone. I'm getting excited for tomorrow. I'm turning 70 years old tomorrow and you ask why is it exciting? I'm not  going to repeat my story. You're problem bored about what happened to me but all I can say is, WOW, I made it.
My wife is taking me to my favorite place to eat, "Riccardo's "  It has wonderful Italian food and it sits near the river. We'll probably take a walk along the river after dinner or probably sitting watching the boats passing by.

                           ------------------------------

 
 This won't happen to us. Riccardo's only uses Marinara sauce
                  -----------------------------------


Miss Manners

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink." The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

                     --------------------------------------


Weed Out

After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette. As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

                            --------------------------------



Humorous Moment

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up to the car, the driver lowers his window and a cloud of weed smoke pours out.  The cop looks at the driver and notices his eyes are as red as a stop sign. The cop then asks the driver, "How high are you?
The driver laughs and says, No officer, it's Hi, How are you...

                                   --------------------------------


Viagra Heist

Q: Did you hear about the crooks who stole a truckload of Viagra?
A: Police issued an APB for hardened criminals.
A: The Judge will likely impose a stiff sentence.

                           ----------------------------




Condoms for My Camels

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am. "She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

                                -------------------------



                             ------------------------------------


     " Have A Very Beautiful Day My Friends. See Ya. "




Cruisin Paul
 

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Wednesday Autumn

Good morning friends. We are in Autumn now and so far it's very warm. Today it's suppose to rain. It;s OK, I'll be inside. There's not much going on in Amherstburg right now. I'll go into town later to buy some things I need. 

                   ---------------------------------------







A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."



Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"




A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."



Eight hours into his trial Paddy pleads guilty. "Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?" The judge demanded. "Well," Paddy responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."

                           ---------------------------------

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."  




A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

                          ----------------------------------------


                                     " See Ya Friends "



Cruisin Paul