Saturday, October 16, 2021

October Surprise!

Good morning everyone. October is half over and It's still in the 70's. We haven't had to water the new lawn because God has helped us with the rain. Thank you God. It has saved us a lot of money. Euro - Shed people are coming on Nov. 1st  to build our new shed. I can't wait.

I fell the other day hard on my back. This was the first time since we arrived at our new home.This floor is so damn hard. Luckily I didn't hit my head but my back is killing me and my elbow was cut deeply. Didn't have to go to the doctor but should have. My neighbor said that I needed stitches but I didn't go. Oh well.

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Why couldn't the man get his wife pregnant on October 31st?

Because he had a Hallow - weenie.

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A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says,  " Scambled ".

 


 

No Exit - Funny Hotel Story

Byron checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the reception desk and says, 'You've given me a room with no exit. How do I get out?' The desk clerk says, 'Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?'  Byron replies, 'Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into a cupboard. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a " DO NOT DISTURB " sign on it. "

 




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Cruisin Paul


 

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Happy Sunday

Well good morning friends. I was suppose to get my shed built on Tuesday but I told them to wait because my new grass hasn't taken hold and I would be worried that the men might destroy the new grass. I called and now they will be coming Monday, Nov. 1st. Sounds good to me. 

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A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding.

He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.”

During his ride around the village, the horse is stung by a bee. In pain and shock, the horse takes off running right toward a dangerous cliff.


 " Amen "! the man shouts, hanging on to the horse for dear life. The horse stops just a few inches short of the cliff’s edge. The man catches his breath, looks over the cliff, and mutters out loud,  " Thank God. "
 

 


 
My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

 He said " No. When I'm aroused it says, " Welcome to Jamaica - have a nice day Ya man. "

 


 


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Cruisin Paul



Sunday, October 3, 2021

Sunday Morning With Rain

Good morning friends. On Friday, Oct 1st which was my birthday, surprise, surprise, my backyard was placed with sod. Yes true grass. After they were finished placing the grass, I went out to the back and immediately started watering the grass. 

Later in the day my neighbor, Glen came to show me the design we had talked about him creating the letter P for me to place on the pillar in the front of my house. I was shocked, almost started crying. It was amazing. The letter is this one.

He made it a longer and it was fantastic. Later in the day my family came for dinner and enjoyed my birthday. Here was a photo with my grandchildren.


 My funny grandson Cole before they took this photo he said" I found a mirror on grandpa's head" . Ha,ha,ha. We all had great night.

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 In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
 – Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
 The boss replies:
 – You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
 2 hours later Bob calls:
 – Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

 


 


First Condom:

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

 


 


New York Bar:

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has "

 


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Cruisin Paul


 

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Beautiful Tuesday

Good morning friends. Well, my backyard has not been done yet.  On Friday it will be October the 1st, and I've been told that the so called landscaper is to be here to do the lawn. He probably will do it because it's on my birthday. I guess that's his gift to me. LOL

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A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my Wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.

But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant  WiFi.
 

 

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.
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How many mob men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb. One to watch and one to shoot the witness.
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The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:

"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."

"Jeez," the other hitman says, " I hope nothing happened to him. "
 

 
 

 It is an ancient scene. A mob is chasing a thief down a road and they are going to stone him to death. He runs, turns down an alley and it is a dead end with one door at the end. He runs to the door but it is locked, so he bangs on the door but there is no answer. The crowd converges on him. Suddenly the door open and Jesus steps out and the crowd hushes and back away. He says, 'If anyone here has not sinned, let them cast the first stone!' The crowd stands in stunned silence. Suddenly a little old lady steps out of the crowd, throws a stone at the thief. It hits him in the head and he goes down bleeding. Jesus turns to the old woman and says, You know ma, sometimes you piss me off.
 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Wednesday Night & It's Still Raining.

I'm so wet. It has been raining like cats & dogs consistently for the last two days. I wish I had had more back yard lawn. This would be great but all I have is mud. Stupid lawn guy.

Our landscaping idea in the front is starting. We designed the idea and I'm planning on having a birdbath with a Solar Bird Bath Fountain Pump Solar Fountain. I bought the pump today. It will shower water while in the bird bath.

My friend came over my place yesterday to help me put up a large, heavy mirror and a large flower metal design to place on the wall. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm not good at this but Ron is very good. After trying to teach me how to use my drill, he finally put them both up. Thank God for Ron.

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 Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

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A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: "M&M's."

Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: "Campbell's soup."

Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads: "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: "Ford."

The mom goes to her ford and reads on a sticker: "The best never stop."

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Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."


 

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Cruisin Paul


 


Saturday, September 18, 2021

Saturday Morning

Good morning my friends. I'm feeling a little silly this morning. My back lawn is has not been placed down yet. In two weeks it will be October. Maybe I'll get my backyard down on my birthday ( Oct. 1st )

Mary Lou cut the front yard an it looks great. 

I'm having a problem with allergies. My nose was clogged for the second time. I never had a problem when I was living in Pointe West but living in Ironside it has a pain in the derriere.

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 A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge.” 

The female doctor says, “Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there.” 

The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. 

The man’s head starts wobbling and he’s got a big smile on his face. 

After five minutes of this, the doctor says, “There’s no discharge here.” 

The man replies, “I know, it’s in my ear.”

 


 


 

Childhood was wonderful

When i was a child

*PUSSY meant a CAT.

*SEX meant the GENDER of a person.

*BITCH meant a FEMALE DOG.

*DICK was the name of a CARTOON CHARACTER.

*BANG was just a SOUND.

*RUBBER was just an ERASER.

*ASS was the name of an ANIMAL.

*SCREW was just a fixing TOOL.

*HEAD meant that part of the body above NECK.

*BALLS meant CRICKET BALLS, TENNIS BALLS, VOLLEY BALLS, FOOT BALLS etc.

*NUTS meant DRYFRUITS.
 
       Do you remember when you were young?
 

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. 
 

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!
 
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 Cruisin Paul