Tuesday, October 31, 2017

It's A Very Cold Halloween Tuesday

Good scary morning my friends. It's Halloween and it's around 39 degrees out side. I can't believe how cold it is outside this morning. Those poor little scary children that will outside wanting to get some candies are going to be freezing outside.

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?"
I looked at him and asked, " What have you come as? "
He said, " A werewolf. "
I said, " But you're not wearing a costume. You'vejust got your normal clothes on. "
He said, " Yeah, well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley."
The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"
The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."
The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.
I asked her "What are you suppose to be?"
She said, "Puss in boots."
So I went into the kitchen and  put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, "What are you suppose to be?"
I said, "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator..."

Once, there were 2 guys sitting in a living room. One man says to the other,
"I would rather live with a vampire than my wife!"
and the other man says "Why?" He says,
"Because she’s always trying to bite my head off!"

The angry female ghost seems to state, "I’ve had it! In the middle of the night he turns on the television,
moves things from one place to another, and makes weird noises."
Funny, nay? By the way, how did I realize who’s a female ghost? Well,
simply look out for the most adorable eyelashes ever.

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".


Well that will it for now. Have a scary night.

                                                                     " SEE YA "

                          " Cruisin Paul "

Monday, October 23, 2017

Cool, Wet Monday

Good morning, good morning my friends. Fall has begun. I was in Toronto for once again some testing. After having genetic testing first and then twice testing at St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto finally I found the results. The doctors thought I ha something called HHT, but after this last test the doctor informed me that I'm A - OK and I'll won't have to come back for any more testing. Thank God. I plan to come back to Toronto just for sheer enjoyment.


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, " Mommy, can little girls have babies? " NO," said his mother, " Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mother heard Johnny yell to the little girls playing with him, " It okay! we can play that game that the moms and dads play in the bedroom at night.

Little Johnny says " Mom, You know that lovely vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation? " His mom replies " Yes, What about it? " Johnny says, " Well, the last generation just dropped it. "

Little Johnny Farts in Class
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.

The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

The principal says, "Well then, why are you laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air."


Well that's it for the day. Enjoy your dad everyone.

                                 " SEE YA "

                                                      " Cruisin Paul "

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Cool Tuesday

Good morning my wonderful friends. I'm planning to go to Toronto to have my hopefully final test a St. Michael's Hospital. Since we have some time in Toronto, Mary Lou & I will be walking a great deal  and she would like to go to Eaton's Center. I would love to take her out for good dinner while we are there.


I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
- Bette Midler

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from." 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died,she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said " At last, they're finally together. " Her sister sitting in the front row said, " Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second husband?" 



I hop you enjoyed that last one. Enjoy your day my friends. 

                             " SEE YA "

                            " Cruisin Paul " 

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Canadian Thanksgiving

To all of my Canadian and American friends, have a very Happy Thanksgiving to you all. For those in Canada, have a tremendous and happy time at the table with wonderful food and drink.

                and scrumptious desserts

          Thank you all for your friendship.


                         " Cruisin Paul "

Saturday, October 7, 2017

A Warm Saturday With Rain

Good morning you wonderful people. I hope that you are doing well. Me, well I went and played 18 holes of  golf in the rain yesterday. Ohhhh it was so wonderful. I was wet when I got home. You say, why didn't you get out of the rain? Well when I get a chance to play golf, you play golf no matter what. Only if lightning occur and it didn't have any lightning. Was I crazy? Yes I was. Oh well I'm dried up today.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!" 

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."  

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?" 

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.  


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. 


A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."


Well that's about it for today. I hope that you enjoyed all the funny things that were in my blog. 

" SEE YA "


" Cruisin Paul "