Cool Tuesday

Good morning my wonderful friends. I'm planning to go to Toronto to have my hopefully final test a St. Michael's Hospital. Since we have some time in Toronto, Mary Lou & I will be walking a great deal  and she would like to go to Eaton's Center. I would love to take her out for good dinner while we are there.

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I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
- Bette Midler

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.

Old married couple fart football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from." 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died,she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said " At last, they're finally together. " Her sister sitting in the front row said, " Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second husband?" 

THE PRIEST REPLIED, " I MEAN HER LEGS . "

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I hop you enjoyed that last one. Enjoy your day my friends. 

                             " SEE YA "

                            " Cruisin Paul "