Cold, Windy, Rainy Wednesday

Good morning everyone. On Monday I went to have the stitches on my toe taken out. He nurse said that everything is A  - OK. Now I go on Friday to see the doctor. 
Halloween should be wild on Thursday night. It's suppose to have rain with crazy winds and later change into SNOW. Trick or treat everyone.

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A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me. After some moments I dared to ask her: "Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife." The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris." After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out. Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"? I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."

 

I was invited to a party. Suddenly I farted when an angry man shouted: "Why do you fart in presence of my wife?" I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

 

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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Have A Great Day Friends.

Cruisin Paul

Breezy Wednesday

Good evening my scary friends. It's now time to enjoy Halloween. This morning my wife & I went to the Mall to sit with my travel agent (and friend) Nancy and her husband Edgar. I enjoyed the many things that they mentioned about their many cruises they have on and of course we discussed about our upcoming cruise. After we aid our good byes we begin my real reason for going to the mall, a new pair of running shoes and a pair of slacks. I was able to get my shoes but do they think that every man in this world is thin with a flat stomach. It was a pain in the ass trying to find a pair of slacks that aren't for a real man like me. Frustration. 

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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut  through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they  were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping  away at one of the headstones.
“Holy Cow, mister”, one of them said after  catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. .. we thought you were a  ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!”, the  old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

It's a grave issue

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Why do they put fences around cemeterys?

Cause people are dying to get in.

😂🗸 downvote report

How do you get into a locked cemetery?

With a skeleton key

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The second girl squats down near a grave Stone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her panties but she thinks to herself, "I'm not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria's Secret is nothing to throw away." So she grabs a ribbon off the near by grave and whipes herself.

The next morning the husband's of the girls call each other. The first girls husband says, "Man my wife came home with no panties on and can't remember anything. I'm divorcing her." The second husband says, "That's nothing man, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her ass saying [We will never forget you!] signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!"

 

 

 

 

 

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        " See Ya My Wonderful Friends. Happy                                  Halloween. " 

 

 

CRUISIN PAUL

 

 

Cold But Sunny Saturday

Good Saturday morning everyone. Yesterday I went to the hospital to have the cyst on my big toe. The only problem was I had to at the hospital early in the morning. They sent to a room waiting to call me and every chair was filled with women. They were there to have a colonoscopy. Wow, my big toe and their, well you know what I mean.  later my wife and I went to have breakfast. Tomorrow night we are going to Riccardo's Italian Restaurant, my special place. We are going with our friend Meilin, Al's wife. Also with her  will be Jasmine, Al's daughter from Vancouver, BC.She's spending some time to see her dad in the nursing home. Al hadn't seen her since her wedding. The first thing he said when she entered his room was " I love you ". She just lost it. At times he can remember people. I hope he remembers me when I go back to see him.

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

 

Doctor: "You look exhausted." Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.

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Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen!"

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                     " See Ya The Next Time Friends "



CRUISIN PAUL

 

Very Cold Tuesday

Good morning my blogger friends. Yesterday was Canada's Thankgiving. I spent time setting up and cooking our turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, broccli and garlic bread. It went well and everyone was stuffed to the gills. 

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Q.   How do you make Holy Water?

A.   Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.

Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.

Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A.  Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down

 

 

 Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

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A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?" Wife: "That's your job." Hasband: "Says who?" Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page." Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee." Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

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"Have A Wonderful Tuesday Everyone"


Cruisin Paul

 

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

To All Of My Blogging Friends.

Cruisin Paul

 

Warm Thursday

Guess what? I'm still here. Good morning friends. I golfed yesterday for the last time this year because after Saturday it' going to be cold and wet and I don't like golfing when it's cold and wet. I did well yesterday except I fell at the 16th tee. After hitting the ball and going to the cart I tripped and boom down I went. I got up and finished the game but today, man I'm so sore. I have to remember I'm getting old. LOL Now that's an introduction to my blog,  Old People.

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Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?’
‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.’

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
“You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer.
“You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her.
“You used to nibble on my ear.”
“Let me get my teeth.”

 " Now that is me everymorning "  ( Cruisin Paul )

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What are the three best things about Alzheimer’s Disease?
1. You make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You make new friends every day.

3 nursing home residents were talking about aging outside of their nursing home. The 60 year old resident said “60 is the worst age to be. You constantly feel like you have to pee but most of the time nothing happens.”
The 70 year old resident responds “That's nothing compared to being 70. You can't take a crap anymore. You eat all of the bran and take laxatives you can and still nothing happens.”
The 80 year old said, “You're both wrong. 80 is actually the worst.”
The 60 year old asked the 80 year old, “Do you have trouble peeing too?” He responded, “No. I go at 6 every morning. I have no problem at all.”
The 70 year old asked him, “Do you have trouble taking a crap?” “No, I go at 6:30 each morning” the 80 year old responded.
The 60 year old said “Let me understand you clearly. You go #1 every morning at 6am and #2 every morning half an hour later. What's so hard about being 80?”
The 80 year old concluded, “All of those things are true, but I don't wake up until 10am.”

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                                 " See Ya Friends "

CRUISIN PAUL