Gray Saturday Morning

Well, it's one day before December. Christmas time is upon us. My entire home is decorated for the festive times and I'm ready to go. All that I have to do is some Christmas cards to special people, my daughter informed us that YES, they will be at my home for Christmas dinner. I'm smiling my friends.
Now what to do for dinner?

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I'm going to present to you another type of " Twas the Night before Christmas " No, it's not going to sexy. I'm not like that. At least not on Christmas time. LOL I'm going to do an Italian form. Here it is.

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Italian Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?

He was hooked on trees his whole life.

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

They’re into all the wrapping.

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?

It’s finally Christmas, Eve!

                And now the last one,

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  " See You In A Few Days My Friends. "


Cruisin Paul & Mary Lou In

 

Bright Sunshine Wednesday

A very good morning friends. I'm having a problem. My two key bobs for my car are broken and I went to have them changed. I was told that I would have to come back on Tuesday because the tech guy wasn't. So I went on Tuesday and these two men tried & tried but still couldn't change them. They didn't look like tech guys to me. I was told come back next week on Wednesday and they would fix it. Don't they have any tech guys? These two didn't look like tech guys to me. I bought my Camero from this Chevrolet place and this is how they fix a little problem. Oh my Goodness.

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Today I'm going to try something different. It's going to be POEM DAY.

         I hope you enjoy these poems.

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                    " See Ya For Now. "


Cruisin Paul

 
             

Sunny Saturday Morning

Good morning all you wonderful friends. As you see, I'm in a very good mood this morning. Why? I'm not sure but I'm really happy. 
After working on my blog. I have to go to WalMart to get some things my wonderful wife asked me to get. Well, some of the things are for me. A friend of mine asked me if I was watching the Impeachment procedures on TV. I said I'm been watching Christmas movies on Netflick all 22 so far. I'm really loving Christmas this year. Our entire home is decorated with Christmas. Merry Christmas.

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Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:  "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass   and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome. Both could result in death.

Finding a House

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live." She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: Your Passin It!"

DNR

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

Worms and Alcohol

A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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       " Have A Great Day My Friends. "



Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday Dull Outside

Good morning my most important friends. Why I said most important, it because you are the only friends that blog with me. Without you I would quit this blog because it would be wasting my time so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, all of you. So lets get to the funnies. 
Oh I wanted to let you all know, the other day I talked with my travel agent and friend Nancy about a cruise in 2021, yes 2021 and I found one, a 12 day cruise which had two places that I have never been there and she's also taking the same cruise. After talking about it, it's set and I've already paid my initial payment. Whoopie do. I haven't been on the 2020 cruise yet and I'm all set for my 2021 cruise. That's why they call me Cruisin Paul. Well, I call me that, nobody else.  Sorry about that. LOL

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What kind of candy is never on time?          ChocoLATE 

What are the 4 major food groups?               Pizza, Coffee, Chocolate and Sex. 

 

What do cannibals eat for dessert?                Chocolate covered aunts. 

 

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?          First, invade ze kitchen. 

 

How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? There is M&M shells all over the floor. 

 

If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and eats 25, what does he have? Diabetes..... Jake has diabetes...

 

 

 There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. 

 

Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on 

 

weight. 

 

 So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard 

 

 "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every 

 

time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".

 

 

 
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. "I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!" "That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

 

 

      Q: What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra? A: Oooh - Henry!

 

 The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. 

 

"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my 

 

way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf 

 

of bread." "That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this 

 

morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake." "Well, today is his birthday." 

 

 

 

 

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     " See Ya My Important Friends. "

 

 

Cruisin Paul

 

 

 

 

 

Sunny Saturday

Good morning everyone. I haven't got a lot to say this morning.

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

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             " Enjoy The Day Everyone "


Cruisin Paul

Snowy Wednesday

Good morning everyone. Well it's still Autumn but surprise, we had 6 - 8 inches of the white stuff but others in Michigan received 14 inches. The leaves are still coming off the trees. So, I decided to begin preparing for Christmas. I finished with my Christmas tree and decorated my fireplace mantle. I think it's still to early to keep my Camero in the garage but my baby has never touched snow. November is to early to take the car off the road. The sun is out today. maybe it will help me and get rid of this junk.

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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.

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     " Well that's it for today. See ya. "


Cruisin Paul