Saturday, June 24, 2017

Interesting Saturday

Good morning friends. I hope things are going well for you. My daughter Nicole and her husband Joe have been gone for a few days because today is their anniversary and they always spend some time together. Joe and her both work hard and of course they all so have two children which also means work at home.
I played golf on Thursday. I started to rain early in the morning but when we teed off, it was nice but after the first nine holes, the sun came out  and it became hot, very hot. I played very well for my ability and enjoyed the guys that played with me. Overall, I enjoyed the day.

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MY GRANDMOTHER was a ball of fire. Grandpa was slow and deliberate. One night they were awakened by a commotion in the chicken, house. Grandma sprang out of bed, ran to the chicken house and found the cause of the racket, a large black snake. Having nothing to dispatch it with, she clamped her bare foot down on its head. There she stood, until Grandpa arrived, a good 15 minutes later. He was fully dressed, with every button buttoned, and he even had his pocket watch in place. "Well," he said cheerfully to my disheveled and enraged grandma, "if I'd known you had him, I wouldn't have hurried so."


MY HUSBAND'S grandparents, married for more than 50 years, went to a restaurant for lunch, where Papa ordered a Ruben sandwich.
  "He'll have the red snapper," Gram brusquely told the waitress. "He doesn't like Rubes."
  "I'll have the Ruben," Papa shot back.
  "Red snapper!"
  Papa sighed in resignation.  Shrugging, he explained to the waitress, "When you've been married as long as I have, you get set in her ways."


 




SUNDAY MORNING SEX 
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. 
 When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 
 Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 
 "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." 
 She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"





GROWING WILD 
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. 
 He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. 
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. 
 Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." 
 The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" 
 The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."



RAISING THE DEAD 
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. 
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. 
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. 
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. 
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."


THE PERFECT HUSBAND 
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." 
 I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" 
 She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." 
 I said, "Well, why are you crying?" 
 She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." 
 I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" 
 She said, "I can't remember where I live."

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Well that's about it for today my friends. Enjoy your day.


                                   " SEE YA " 

                        -----------------------------

 
                            " Cruisin Paul "

Monday, June 19, 2017

Beautiful Monday

Good morning everyone. Well we've started a new week. The weatherman keeps on telling us we are getting rain but it never seems to arrive. Oh yes, it will probably rain on Thursday because I'm golfing that day. Last week I went golfing and on the fifth and six holes it was raining and continued a little throughout the match. Oh yes, I got wet.

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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"


Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


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Well that will be it for today. Have a great Monday my friends.


                    ---------------------------------

                
                         " Cruisin Paul "

Thursday, June 15, 2017

A Wonderful Warm Thursday

Good wonderful Thursday morning friends. Last night we went out for dinner with Al & Meilin , our friends. We went to 
" Ricarrido's " and Italian eatery. WE all just enjoy Rick's place. This time I had a plate of garlic & oil spaghetti with shrimp. Fantatic. After we all went back to my place and once again Al & I played some pool. After MaryLou gave us all pumpkin pie and tea. What a great evening we had.

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The Baby-Sitter

A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"


Mommy's Way

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."



The Fiance

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."







A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”





Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You, sir, are the father of triplets.” “Wow, that’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.” An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. r\n After finally regaining his composure, he said, “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.” After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, “Sir, are you all right?” “Yes” says the man, “I m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.”








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Well that's about it for now. I'm getting ready to go for lunch withmy cousin Dan. Have a great day everyone.

 " SEE YA "

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" Cruisin Paul "
 




Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes." - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes#sthash.YMzQdlGK.dpuf

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Hot, Very Hot Saturday

Good, good morning everyone. I'm very sore this morning after playing golf yesterday. I had a great day golfing though it rained for awhile. I got wet but oh well. Now I wonder if I'm going to get sick from the rain? I see two things were occurring in the US and England. I just wish that the people who run the governmesnt just be honest. I know that countries need governments to control what goes on but heck, why do they do what they do?

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A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."




An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."






A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!




Buried in a Blue Suit


An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears...
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

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That's about it for day. I hope that you'll enjoy what I have today for you.

                  


                             " SEE YA "

                     ----------------------------



                         " Cruisin Paul "

 
                       "

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Very Cool Wednesday

Good morning my wonderful friends. The last couple days have been very cool around here especially since it's now June. It better warm up a little on Friday for my golf. I hate golfing when it's cold. Tonight my friend Al is coming over to play some pool and tomorrow he and Meilin fly to Timmons, Ontario to bury the remains of his mother. Al has really taken the death of his mother hard. I know, I took the death my mother very hard also. For those that still have your parents, see them every day for you can't tell when God wants them to take them back home.

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Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. 
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
 Patient: I don't touch a drop. 
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. 
Patient: I don't smoke. 
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
 Patient: I don't do drugs.
 Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. 
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. 
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends. 


A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."
 
 
"Doctor, doctor!" said the
panic-stricken woman,
"my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's
swallowed a
mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the
doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of
cheese to a piece of string and
lower it into your husband's mouth. As
soon as the mouse takes a
bite haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to
the fishmonger
straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do
you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to
get the cat out first!
 
 
The ninety-year-old man was in for

his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry
an
eighteen year old girl. "Now, Mr. Jenkins," the nurse
practitioner
warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an

eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt." The old man
shrugged, "If she
dies, she dies." 
 
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A man who was very
upset walked
in to see his doctor. "Doctor, you've got to help me!"
he wailed.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. "I keep
having the
same dream, night after night. There's this door with a
sign on
it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open."
"What
does the sign say?" asked the Doctor. "Pull," said the
patient. 
 
 
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That's it for now. I hope that you all have a very enjoyable day.
 
 
                                           " SEE YA "
                           -------------------
 
 
                             " Cruisin Paul "