Friday, March 24, 2017

Spring Has Sprung Friday






















 
Good morning Friends. I just back from having breakfast with from golfing friends. I was invited to join this group a while back and I'm enjoying this group. These are the same guys that invite me to join them to golf. Jerry will be coming to play some pool this afternoon.
My friend Al and his wife Meilin will be out of the area for awhile so Jerry and my wife will be playing some pool in the process.

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A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” 



What Is a Grandparent?


  • Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.  They like other peoples.
  • A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.
  • Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
  • When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
  • They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
  • They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
  • Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
  • They wear glasses and funny underwear. 
  • They can take their teeth and gums out.
  • They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
  • When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
  • Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
  • They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad. 



Grandfather in The Ark? Classic funny short story - Grandfather ark story

My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him.  One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark. 
The little boy asked, 'Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no', said Granddad.' In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?'

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Well that's about it for today my good friends. I hope that you'll have a beautiful Friday. I will.


                                             " See ya "


                               Cruisin Paul
 

 

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Snowy Saturday

  


Good morning everyone. Well the wind i gone but the snow is back and spring will be here on Monday. Oh yeah, Spring. My golfing friends are  leaving me soon for a few weeks and my friend Al is leaving on Monday to go to Vancouver, British Columbia to visit his mother who's 95 years old. He's be back on Friday. MaryLou has begun checking around with our cruise but she hasn't called my travel agent Nancy yet. We'll see.

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."



Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.


An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"



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Have a beautiful Saturday my friends and I just looked out of my window and guess what I saw?   SNOW! YUK!


                                            " See Ya "

                             --------------------

 Cruisin Paul

Monday, March 13, 2017

Monday Snow





Good morning, good morning, good morning. Guess what my friends? We got SNOW! After having a hurricane type wind that destroyed many things around Amherstburg and Michigan and Ontario, we now have SNOW! I have a guy coming around to see how he can fix the problems with my fence and now this SNOW! Oh well, that's life.

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Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"
"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"

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How to Impress an Italian Lady:

Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, surprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...

How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.

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Italian customs officers
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.   The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."   "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.  
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.   "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing.   "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.  "Quattro means four.   You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".   The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come".  "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".  


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                   Have a wonderful Monday everyone


                                               " See ya "





Thursday, March 9, 2017

Better Thursday












 Good morning friends. We just had a heck of a wind yesterday. It blew, and blew and blew all day long. The wind gust were over 60 mph and of course my fence which is 25 years  old areas jut couldn't deal with it and some parts broke and ripped off. One complete area came off. Oh well, that's life.
Today is OK and my cousin just called. We are going for lunch. 

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Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend " Hey Paulo, it's a mine, it's a mine!!!" Paulo replies " O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it!!! "

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

 








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 Cruisin Paul

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Happy Sunday Morning


Good morning friends. I'm very glad that I'm back writing but I'm not sure if this blog is working. This will be a very short one just to see if it is working.See ya



Saturday, November 12, 2016

Cold But Beautiful Saturday


Good morning, good morning, good morning all of you wonderful fantastic people. Even if it's only one of my friends. The leaves have all fallen down from its branches and people are still raking them and putting them in boxes and large bags since on Monday it will be the last pick up until spring. Last night it went down into the 20's. Brrrrrrr. I have been putting things up for Christmas, yes I said Christmas. I just wanted to start early this year. I was able to buy a small tree this year. The older tree was falling its pieces and it was just too large. As I get older, I think my stoke  ( which was when I  was 27 years old ) is now getting to me. My entire body has its problems but I'm still alive. Ha,ha,ha.
Have any of you started your Christmas arrangements? 

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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes." - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes#sthash.NXO03S0Y.dpuf

Going Out

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


Mommy's Way

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."



The Worms

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."



The Fiance

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."


Talking Clock

A young man moved away from his parents to become a student. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, he led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the student.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the student replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's ten past three in the morning!"

                     
                    Now for those who plan on putting the children's gifts together, this is for.


 


 


A Parent's Night Before Christmas



'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!




We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....

Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!




When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,

So if we failed, only we could be blamed.




More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

All over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."




And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

With "assembly required" till morning's first light.




We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin

Before we attached the last rod and last pin.




Then laying the tools away in the chest,

We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.




Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"




Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,

Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...

I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

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Sunday, November 6, 2016

Bright Sunday








Good morning friends. This week was an interesting one. My blog for the first time did the Tuesdau Question where a few friends took part in answering my question. Thursday was my friend Bee's birthday and I went out looking for a Christmas tree. This tree we have, the one that I always decorated each year was now getting to big for me to do. I'm having a problem getting one but eventually I'll get one.

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A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know that you're loyal?"
"Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. That's how I lost my arms and legs."
"Well, how do I know that you're rich?" she inquires.
He replies,"I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement".
Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands "How do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"


Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
 
 

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"





Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch. "Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."
"A nun??" his father exclaimed.
"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."
The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"
Toms face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."
"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."




Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"


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Well that's about it for today. Have a wonderful Sunday and have a great dinner. I will because I'm not cooking today.

                                                                    " SEE YA "