Sunday, May 19, 2019

Nice Day, Rain, And Sun Again Sunday

Good evening my friends. We've had a very unusual day. A very beautiful morning turning into heavy rain and tonight it's beautiful again. 
Tomorrow my wife & I are going to see my Aunt Mary who is in the Amherstburg Nursing Home. Aunt Mary is my mother's sister and she's 85 years old and has Alzheimer's disease. 
On Tuesday I plan on going to the range and see if I can hit some golf balls, Steveo my friend from London I said golf balls. LOL
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”

 
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex: - You can GET chocolate. - Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft. - You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. - You can have chocolate in in public. - If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind. - The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. - You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. - No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate. - Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. - You can have chocolate at any time of the month. - You are never too young or too old for chocolate. - Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.

 

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

 

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                     " See Ya For Now "

 

Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Springtime Wednesday

Good morning everyone. I'm so happy that finally and I mean finally that it's warm around here in Amherstburg. The next 7 days will be in the high 60's and low 70's. I think it's about time to get out hit the golf balls. 
I think my Camero has been itching to get out and zoom, zoom around the roads. Tomorrow I'll be going for for a McDonald's lunch with my cousins Dan & Tony.

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 An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


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" See Ya Friends Until The Next Time "

Cruisin Paul                                                     
 

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Beautiful Sunny Saturday

Good morning my friends.Finally, a day without rain. Mary Lou finally enjoyed cutting the back grass and I helped changing the bags of grass. The grass was so thick that we had 4  large bags. Hopefully Nicole can come over and finish the rest of the lawn. 
I friend Al has gotten worse. Meilin informed us that he's having problems with walking and he's now in a wheelchair. She told us to wait until he's fully relaxed in his new place before we should visit him. I just want to see him and have him hear my voice. 
I went outside yesterday and tried swinging a couple golf clubs. Soon I'll be out playing golf with my friends again.

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Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."



   A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"





 A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA." The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."

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A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

                              
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Problem Checked
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a ‘clunk’.
He then made a left turn and again heard a ‘clunk’.
Back at the shop he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, “Removed bowling ball from trunk".

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                 " See Ya Soon Everyone. "


  Cruisin Paul
 

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Beautiful Sunny Wednesday

Good morning my friends. As I earlier said, the sun is out bright and beautiful. We've been having a lot of rain lately and many people here in Canada and the United States are having many problems due to rain. Today my wife & daughter are having lunch with Meilin after she leaves Al and his doctor. We plan on seeing my friend on Saturday. 
I spoke with one of my American friends yesterday and he said that he was frightened with what has been going on in his country. He said that he felt that the President Trump and the Republican Party are an authoritarian party not showing his country's Democracy. All I said to him was that we in Canada are having our problems with our government. I said to him that I wondered what was going on in both our countries.  He said that we both had better start praying. 

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 Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?

 

 Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

 




As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:

 "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."


  A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

 

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?" The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in." The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?" The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger." The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

 

 

I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. 

How do you do that? 

I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!

 

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        " See Ya Until The Next Time "

 

Cruisin Paul

 

  

 

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Warm Thursday

Good afternoon friends. I just got back from lunch with my cousins Dan & Tony. We enjoyed having MacDonald's hamburgers, coffee & great conversion. 
My friend Al is having some problems having the change at the Nursing Home in Windsor. It will take some time for him to understand why the change is good for him & Meilin. It hurts me so much seeing my friend change in front of my eyes. Lord give me strength to help him when I plan on seeing him soon.

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                                              Mother - In - Law


 
Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.Favourite mother-in-law joke
It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'


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My mother-in-law caused an argument in a pub and half a dozen men set upon her and dragged her to the floor, screaming.  The barman turned to Les and asked "Aren't you going to help?" "Nah!" says Les, "Six should be enough!



A Prospective Italian Mother-in-law

Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Rocco for dinner; he lives with a female roommate, Maria.  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Rocco's roommate is.
As the evening went on, MaMa watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, Rocco volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Rocco saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So Rocco sat down and wrote this email:


Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Rocco


.... Several days later, Rocco received this response from his MaMa:


Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa





Psychic Mother in lawWhen Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. 'Your mother insulted me,' she sobbed.
'My mother?' spluttered Roger, 'How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?'
'I know.' Norma gulped, 'But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.'
'And?'
'At the end of the letter it was written:
Dear Norma , When you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son, Roger.'

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Help Mother in LawLouise, a young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket.
Ian, her young husband was standing by the switch.
'Hello, darling,' greeted the mother, 'Ian has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.'


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                     " See ya My Friends "


Cruisin Paul
 

 


Saturday, April 27, 2019

Sun, Rain, Snow, Rain and Back To Sun

Wow, finally all of our hospital times are finished. Good morning my friends. My wife went back to have her stitches out and she is well getting back to normal. Yesterday she had to drive me to the hospital to have my colonoscopy, my fourth. My dad who died of colon cancer told me to make sure to have the colonoscopy. He never did and before he died he told me to make sure that I did. The doctor told me that everything went well and he'd see me in 5 years. Thanks dad.
Yesterday my friend Al who had Parkinson's & Dementia was taken to Heron Terrace Nursing Home. My friend is now at his final place of his life. I feel so bad for him. Last year we were still playing pool and now? Please take care of yourselves. Life is so valuable.

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Ten Funny Things To Learn from the Story Of Noah's Ark

Funny things that can be learned from the bible and applied to life.
  1. Don't miss the boat.
  2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
  3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
  4. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
  5. Build your future on high ground.
  6. For safety's sake, always travel in pairs.
  7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
  8. When you're stressed, float a while.
  9. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
  10. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.


Bible Study

Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, 'Nothing.'
So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'
Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'



The Good Samaritan

Phyllis Small, a Sunday school teacher, was telling her class the story of the "Good Samaritan," from the Bible, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
Zeidy, a thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd be sick.'



Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"


 A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?" Wife: "That's your job." Husband: "Says who?" Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page." Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee." Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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                  " SEE YA FOR NOW "


Cruisin Paul
  

Monday, April 22, 2019

Easter Monday

Good morning everyone. We had a very quiet Easter Sunday with just my wife & daughter AmyLynn. I cooked dinner but after we had a serious problem. The sink started to fill up with water, meaning the pipe was filled with whatever. I tried to fix it but this morning we had to call the plumber. Oh well.
Yesterday afternoon I enjoyed a cup of coffee with Gary, a former student of mine. He & I have kept close and try to get together at least once or twice a year. Gary is a detective in the London Police Dept. Many of my former students are in the police dept. and I even have a former student in the RCMP. I'm very proud of all of my former students.

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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."



Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!





A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?

I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.




 
  





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                     " SEE YA MY FRIENDS "


Cruisin Paul