Mr. Cruiser's Notes: May 2016

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Warm Tuesday

Well I went to the doctor's yesterday and he said I have to have a scan on my lumbar what ever that is. We'll see what happens. Gerry should be coming home soon from his Alaskan cruise and hopefully I'll be able to get back to playing golf.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.
They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St. Peter shook his head sadly.
"I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy.
"Sorry, can't let you in, either." said St. Peter. "You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously...
"It's not looking good for us Dick."

The Cruise

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Princess Nursing home

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.
At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters,
busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
She replied, "Yes, that's true. It's cheaper than a nursing home".
After talking with her, I decided there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at NO EXTRA CHARGE.

Passengers aboard an elegant cruise yacht were having a great party when a beautiful young girl fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her. The sailors pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the old man performed such an act of bravery. And that night a luxurious banquet was given in honor of the cruise yacht’s elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words. He said, “First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me!”

A married couple was on a sailing cruise when the weather turned stormy and the windy wallop of a wild wave washed the whisky wrenched husband overboard. Rescue teams failed, all hope was lost. Suddenly 2 weeks later the widowed wife was told her husband’s body had been found. “We hauled him up on deck,” said the leader of the search crew. “And attached to his body was an oyster containing a beautiful pearl worth about $50,000. What would you like us to do?” The now wealthy widow wondered for a moment and then said “Hand over the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

An elderly aboard a party cruise ship was not impressed by the lively jazz band basting their horns in one of the shipboard restaurants. When her waiter comes around, she asks, “Will they play anything I ask?” “Of course, my lady!” replies the waiter. “Then tell them to go play shuffleboard!”

-----------------------------------------------------------

That's it for now. As you can see, I'm thinking about cruising. Oh how I wish January was here so I could be on the Carnival Vista. Oh well, it will get there soon. Have a fun today my good friends.

" SEE YA "

Friday, May 27, 2016

Great Warm Friday

Good Friday morning friends. The weather has been so wonderful It went from cold to hot in a quick time. My daughter is now saying, dad, I hate the heat. I couldn't stop laughing because before the heat came she was saying, I hate the cold. Oh what the heck. I have to go to see my doctor Monday because of the pain on my right side and my back. Remember I mentioned that I had fallen. I just what to check on it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have  a huge clock right in the middle  of the town.

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved  reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped  forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I  explained, “The last time someone  gave me wings, I had to jump  out of the airplane.”

A man vacations on a tropical  island, and the first thing he hears  is drums. He goes to the beach  and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That’s fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for now. Hope to see you later everyone and have a great weekend.

" SEE YA "

Friday, May 20, 2016

Oh My God, It's Getting Warm.

Good morning everyone. Yes, the warmth has finally arrived. Each day has been increasing in temperature. I love it. The only problem is that now that it's warming up, you'd think that that I would be able to go and play some golf. Not really. My friend Gerry who takes me to Pointe West has left for two week to visit his daughter and grandchildren and at the same time, he & his wife are cruising to Alaska. You know, even if he was here, I wouldn't be able to play. I fell down the stairs and fell backwards on the steps. Ever since it's been more painful on the middle back and my right leg is sore to the point of walking. I have an an appointment with more doctor soon. Isn't it ridiculous.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he's just broken into. He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you"
He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight in to direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot. The bird repeats "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you"
The burglar walks up to the cage and asks "And what may your name be? The parrot answers "Coco." The burglar sniggers and says "I've always found that a very stupid name for a parrot." The parrot answers "Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Pitbull terrier

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!

There's a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures "what the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

----------------------------------------------------

Well that's enough for today. After posting this blog, my wife & I are going to get some flowers to put around our place, front & back. Oh by the way, I forgot to tell you that we have planned on going to a cottage. It's near us but further enough from Amherstburg. There is a golf course and and place to fish and the cottage is brand new just behind the golf green # 16. It looks like our summer is planned. Then after that I can't wait for my cruise. We are going on Carnival's new ship, " Vista " . Just checking out the some many things are on this ship, I can't wait. My wife is waiting for me now. I'd better get going.

" SEE YA "

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Is This Really May?

Good morning all of my good friends. I have a lot to say this morning, well some things to say. During the week I went to have my pedicure. Oh my goodness. It was wonderful. My feet never felt so good and they look great. I've always had ugly looking toes and mails but after that pedicure, they look young and beautiful. I'm having another one done at the end of June and from then on I'll probably have one as time goes on especially just before my cruise.
Yesterday as I was writing my blog ( I forgot to publish it, sorry ) my friend Gerry came over and told me if I want to play golf, I have to get my butt going and I did. ( That's why I forgot to publish my blog. Sorry again ) I really enjoyed the day. The guys that I was playing golf with were great guys. I even had a par the second tin\me out. The only problem is after I got home and sat down after golf, my right leg was very painful and it was difficult walking for a while. I guess it's just getting old.
Today Mary Lou & I are going to see a new place call Rochester Place Resort. There is a golf course that has cottages for people who would like to stay for 2, 3, 4 or even a week for a vacation. We both like this idea. Later we are going for dinner with my Uncle Rocco. He called last night and said that my cousin Tony & wife were coming over for a visit. I want to see my cousin because I haven't seen him for at about 2 years.
Well I was right. I said that I had a lot to say. Sorry about that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Gynecological Echo

A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.

After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."

The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."

The doctor says, "I didn't."

Old Lady Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

Grandma Changed

In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit. When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram. However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim. She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet. Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Jewish Grandma

A little old Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 3A. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 3A. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 3. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty-handed?

Well that's it for today.

" SEE YA "

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Happy Mother's Day

The Day Before Mother's Day

Good morning all of my wonderful friends especially those that are Mothers. Tomorrow is your special day. Why am I writing this post today you ask? Well I'll be busy taking my wife out for a special breakfast. I wanted to bring her for Brunch but she informed that Brunch has to much food and she wouldn't be able to even attempt to try to eat all the food that is on the menu and most of all the cost. For me I wanted to take her cost or not but she's in control, it's her special day. Yesterday I went out and bought a special gift for her. In Amherstburg there is this place called " Shar's Spa " and they had a special, $120 for $100 and my wife could choose whatever she wanted that is on list. She could choose and mix. Sounded good to me. My wife has been pushing me to have a pedicure. She's told me that my feet look awful so next week I'm going to have my first pedicure. Wish me luck.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Child Sent to Bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

Boa Constrictor

I was in a pet store picking up some pet food for my dog when I overheard the following conversation. A cute girl peaks over the counter and politely asks the sales representative. “I’m interested in buying a rabbit.” “Oh sure we’ve got lots of rabbits” gushed the motherly sales representative. “Do you have any specific color in mind? We’ve got some adorable white Bunnies down this isle.” The lady exclaimed. “Oh” said the cute girl with a wave of her hand, “I really don’t think my boa constrictor would care about what color it is!”

Delicious

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."