Hot Dry Sunday

Wow, is it dry around here. We haven't had substantial rain in such a long time and the fire dept. has in formed the people that they shouldn't have fire works this year in fear of fire. That's true. My lawn is so dry that even if I'm going to BBQ, I going to have my water hose around in case. Friday was Canada Day and tomorrow is the American's Independence. Party time. I heard that the fire Dept over in Detroit has informed the towns that they shouldn't allow fire works also. It's that bad.

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Hearing problem

A man goes to his doctor and says: "I don't think the hearing of my mother-in-law is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your mother-in-law is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his mother-in-law preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says: "What's for dinner today?" No reponse.
He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response.
Five feet, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says: "Hey, what's for a supper?"
She says: "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

 
Which one?

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.
She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."
"Wow! How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied: "Because I can't stand HER."

Three instead of two

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

 
My love dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.

Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your mother-in-law had a heart attack.
Daughter-in-law: That's impossible
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
Daughter-in-law: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a heart!

Mother-in-law: If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?
Daughter-in-law: So as to keep the kids away from the fire!

Mother-in-law: If you don't like me, why do you take me on holidays with you?
Daughter-in-law: So I don't have to kiss you good-bye.

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Since tomorrow is my American friends 4th of July. I want them to feel how respected they are from this Canadian.  

                                 I hope that you all enjoy your special day my friends

                                                                             " SEE YA "