Saturday Evening Halloween

Good evening everyone. It's Halloween but I'm not passing any candy this year. I'm worried about Covid so children, I'm sorry. Maybe next year.

This will be the last blog about moving because after Sunday, we move. I've never seen some many problems dealing with the builder. They are building to many homes at the same time and they're can't remember which person's home they built. They sent me a paper that was suppose to be mine but after checking the bottom of the paper which should have been my name, guess what? It belonged with the names of a different family. Crazy, isn't it?

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One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, “Don’t forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty.”

Predictably he didn’t remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, “And where was it we were moving to?”

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, “Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Can you tell me which way it went?”

She looked up at him and said, “Yes, Daddy, I’ll show you.”

 

                           That's Me!

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.”

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

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                          Bonestreet Boys

                 Happy Halloween Everyone

 

Cruisin Paul

 

         

A Very Cool Wednesday

Five days until we get the keys to our new home. Next week I get my Flu shot. Everything is moving at a quick shot. 

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Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."

Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"

The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."

Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"

Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."

 

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A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony"

 

 

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                        Monday, Nov. 2

 

 

Cruisin Paul

 
 

Dull, Gray Saturday

Well what do you know? It's another Saturday. On Thursday we went through the new house to check for little problems with the builder or one of the workers. Yes, there were some problems, some big ones and some little ones. I started thinking what the hell was I moving for? But as I came home and had to go up the stairs to the bedrooms, I realized why. One week or more to go.

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A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home”.

 

 

 

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?

 

 

 That's Me Under Those Boxes.

 

A beautiful young woman who is very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "I'll take a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies
Then why do you look? the woman asks.
"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for the beer!"

 

 

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      Though We'll Be Moving, Our        Friendship Will not Be Moving.

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Cruisin Paul

 

Cool, Windy Sunday

Good Morning Friends. There isn't much to say.

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                             Poor Guy!

A blonde goes to buy a TV and asks for the manager at the electronics store

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager responds “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She gets mad and leaves the store. When she gets home she gets an idea. She decides to dye her hair red and the next day she goes back to the same store.

She asks the manager “How much is that TV?”

Again the manager says “I’m sorry, I don’t sell to blondes”

Confused but angrier still she goes home and dyes her hair black this time and goes back on the third day.

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She says “How do you know I’m a blonde after I dyed my hair?!”

The manager responds “That’s not a TV that’s a microwave”

 

 

 

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

 

 

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday Leaves Falling

Hi there my friends. I' not going to say anything about my move that will be taking place in about 3 weeks. I'm not going to say all the many things that we have been moving into boxes and when I went to my new home to see what has been going on. I'm not going to mention the two different floors that are in and the cabinets that are in the kitchen and the bathrooms and the showers and bathtub that are completed. No, I've decided not to say anything before you get bored so I'm just going to say HI !

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Q. Why don’t mummies take time off?
A. They’re afraid to unwind.

Q. What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?
A. A sand-witch.

Q. What do you call two witches living together?
A. Broommates.

Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets?

A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

 

 

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?" I looked at him and asked, "What have you come as?" He said, "A werewolf." I said, "But you're not wearing a costume. You've just got your normal clothes on." He said, "Yeah well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?"

 

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, "You're going out as that?" "Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

 

 

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                  Keep Safe My Friends

 

 Cruisin Paul

                                Curacao
 

Sunny Friday Morning

Good Friday morning everyone. This house is clearing out more than I thought. Each morning when I come down the stairs ( I won't have to do that with the new home ) the living room has less materials in it. My wife has done a wonderful job of selling. 

We went to see the new home the other night right after dinner and we shocked. The front door was left wide open and the back door was also opened. The new cabinets were in, all the bathroom materials were also in and those damn doors were wide open. Any one could have walked in, taken anything they wanted and destroyed material. We were angry and the builders were really told. The next day we checked the doors were closed and locked. Nobody seems to care anymore.

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2020 Halloween Jokes for Adults

Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?
A: For the boos.

Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid stuff?
A: A jack-ass-o-lantern.

Q: What health insurance do Halloween creatures use?
A: Medi-scare.

Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?
A: Tibial Pursuit.

Q: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.

Q: What is the witch’s favorite crime show?
A: America’s Most Haunted.

Q: What do you call it when a vampire has a serious problem in his home?
A: It’s a Grave problem.

Q: Why do skeletons make good comedians?
A: They are two humerus.

 

 

Trip to Walmart

 It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at Walmart supermarket in 

Worcester, Massachusetts, USA, I noticed that someone had left behind their broom. When no one 

came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I 

spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over. 'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did 

you by any chance leave your broom inside?' 'No,' she retorted quickly and with a smile, 'we came by 

truck.'.'

 

 

 

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

Cold Saturday

Good afternoon everyone. I just got back from grocery shopping at my best Italian grocery store, Romano's.

One more month to go to my new home. I'm trying to keep cool. Yes I said cool. Usually my heart is running at 65 but after trying all this moving stuff, it has gone up to 75 and even 80. I can't wait until everything is finished and I can sit in my new lazyboy recliner. 

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A nanny bathes a set of twins. The twins were marked with numbers, the first born marked with a 1 and the second born marked with a 2. The nanny bathes both the twins and the parents come in and say
“ Where are the numbers?! We can’t tell them apart any more”
The nanny says “ I can tell them apart by their balls”
“How?!”
“One bawls in the morning one bawls in the afternoon”

 

 

My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day.

She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year!

I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"

 

 

 

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Child walks in on parents in coitus

Mummy and Daddy are having sex and their beautiful child walks in. Flustered, Mummy leaps off the bed (and off her husband) and wittingly tries to console what she thinks is her scarred son.

son: mummy, what's going on?
mum: oh son! I was just helping your daddy to flatten his belly
son: but why mummy? there's no point. the nanny just comes and blows it back up again.

 

 

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                                   See Ya Friends

 

 

Cruisin Paul