Very Cold Saturday

Good morning friends. Thank goodness, my cruise is two weeks because it's very cold and it seems it will be cold for some time.  That's OK, soon I'll be on the ocean with warm winds and hot temperature and great food. I can't wait.

                           --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God." 

 

 

Some Marriage Math(s):

1. Smart man + smart woman = romance
2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair
4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit
6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production
7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime 

Best Old Age Joke

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

 

Old Age Quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.

                       ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well my grandchildren just arrived and I enjoy spending time with them so I'm don't for today my good friends. Have a wonderful Saturday and enjoy whatever you what to do for the day.

                                                                             " SEE YA " 



 

Snowy Tuesday

 

Good morning everyone. It's been snowing over the night and my wife just went outside to shovel the snow off the driveway. She has to take my daughter to her volunteer job at the church. Our new fireplace has finally been fixed. Somehow there was to much something in the fire that was filling the entire area with black soot and it was showing nothing with black. I've had nothing but problems with this fireplace but the men who came to assist us were wonderful. Hopefully, we're done with problems.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day an 80 year old man went to the drug store and asked for some Viagra. "No problem," said the pharmacist, "how many do you want?
"Just a few," replied the man, "but could you cut each one into four pieces?"
"That won't do you much good," said the pharmacist.
The old man looked at him sadly and said, "I am 80 years old, I am not interested in sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my feet!"

- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_getting_older_jokes.html#sthash.EtI2nxYO.dpuf

Five Further Funny Thoughts of a Grumpy Old Man

1. 'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.'
2. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
3. Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.
4. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
5. If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 

Cantankerous Man in the Supermarket

Walter and his wife Masie are shopping in their local supermarket.  The husband picks up a case of Budweiser beer and puts it in their shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Masie.
'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans Walter replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along Masie picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Walter.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Bud and it's half the price.'
Walter never knew what hit him.
The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Clean-up on aisle 7, we have a husband down.' 

Funny Jokes About Men – for women!

Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.

What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
A widow.

How can you tell if a man is lying?
You can see his lips moving.

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Card Buddies

Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."
Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

                             -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that's it for today. Enjoy your day my good friends. 

                                                                           " SEE YA "


 

Rainy Saturday

Good morning friends. Well three weeks  before we go to get on the Carnival Breeze. I really looking forward to this. I need to get out of Amherstburg. It's Saturday, January the 9th 2016  and it's 45 degrees. Unbelievable! Usually it's in single digits with 2 or 3 feet of snow. Weird this year.

                                  ----------------------------------------------------------------

 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Like a baby...
Sam and Louis lived in a retirement home. One day they were sitting in the lounge, and Sam turned to Louis and said, “Louis, I’m ninety years old, and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”

      Louis replied, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

      “Really? Like a baby?” Sam asked, puzzled.

      “Yes,” replied Louis, “I’ve got no hair, no teeth—and I think I just wet myself.”

- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_getting_older_jokes.html#sthash.NfXEKnUE.dpuf

One day an 80 year old man went to the drug store and asked for some Viagra. "No problem," said the pharmacist, "how many do you want?
"Just a few," replied the man, "but could you cut each one into four pieces?"
"That won't do you much good," said the pharmacist.
The old man looked at him sadly and said, "I am 80 years old, I am not interested in sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my feet!"
- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_getting_older_jokes.html#sthash.SyOT8UgX.dpuf

One day an 80 year old man went to the drug store and asked for some Viagra. "No problem," said the pharmacist, "how many do you want?
"Just a few," replied the man, "but could you cut each one into four pieces?"
"That won't do you much good," said the pharmacist.
The old man looked at him sadly and said, "I am 80 years old, I am not interested in sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my feet!"
- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_getting_older_jokes.html#sthash.SyOT8UgX.dpuf

One day an 80 year old man went to the drug store and asked for some Viagra. "No problem," said the pharmacist, "how many do you want?
"Just a few," replied the man, "but could you cut each one into four pieces?"
"That won't do you much good," said the pharmacist.
The old man looked at him sadly and said, "I am 80 years old, I am not interested in sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my feet!"
- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_getting_older_jokes.html#sthash.SyOT8UgX.dpuf

 I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject t o blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
 Zoom, zoom, zoom!

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.''Really!? Like a newborn baby?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive after dark!"

                     -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                             
                                                                              " SEE YA " 

Clear Tuesday

Gooooood morning everyone. It's very cold here in Amherstburg, Ontario, Canada. Today my wife and I leave the house allowing my daughter to spend time and a planning on our dinner. I have to go and have my goatee clean up a little before I leave for my cruise. 

                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                      Oh my, I didn't know I was drinking out of those.

• Slap Happy Marine

  A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
  
  After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother.
  
  Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word.
  
  The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him." 

  
  
  The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
  
  The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
  
  The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

 

Grandma's Nuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says" Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them.

Paying Bills

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

                                                       " A lion, get me out of here! "

Grandparents Piano Escape

Little Ben came into the house with a new harmonica. 'Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?'
'Of course not, Ben. I love music. In fact, when your Grandma and I were young, music saved my life.'
'What happened?'
'Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.'
'How about you?'
'Me? I accompanied her on the piano!'

                       -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

That's it for today my friends. Have an enjoyable day and I'll see you again soon. 

 

                                                                           " SEE YA "

 

 

 

Snowy Saturday

Well, I see we've made it after New Years Eve and after cleaning up after Christmas. We had a very beautiful dinner last night. My daughter Nicole invited us over and treated us to a tasty dinner. I was exhausted after cleaning up and putting away all of the Christmas material. This place looks naked this morning. Now we go on with our lives. 
                              ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Funny husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
Funny Husband thinks: She must have reached there.



A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."  

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"

                      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Oops! I made a real big mistake on my New Years blog. I forgot a friend, " messymimi's meanderings". I don't know why it happened but can you forgive me my friend. It will never happen again, I hope. Oops. For those that commented on what I wrote, it made me feel so happy. and I was so happy that it made you feel good. Life doesn't last long but while we are here on this world, I hope that while I here, I do something right. 

                                                             " SEE YA "