Sunny Saturday Morning

Good morning all you wonderful friends. As you see, I'm in a very good mood this morning. Why? I'm not sure but I'm really happy. 
After working on my blog. I have to go to WalMart to get some things my wonderful wife asked me to get. Well, some of the things are for me. A friend of mine asked me if I was watching the Impeachment procedures on TV. I said I'm been watching Christmas movies on Netflick all 22 so far. I'm really loving Christmas this year. Our entire home is decorated with Christmas. Merry Christmas.

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Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:  "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass   and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome. Both could result in death.

Finding a House

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live." She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: Your Passin It!"

DNR

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

Worms and Alcohol

A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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       " Have A Great Day My Friends. "



Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday Dull Outside

Good morning my most important friends. Why I said most important, it because you are the only friends that blog with me. Without you I would quit this blog because it would be wasting my time so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, all of you. So lets get to the funnies. 
Oh I wanted to let you all know, the other day I talked with my travel agent and friend Nancy about a cruise in 2021, yes 2021 and I found one, a 12 day cruise which had two places that I have never been there and she's also taking the same cruise. After talking about it, it's set and I've already paid my initial payment. Whoopie do. I haven't been on the 2020 cruise yet and I'm all set for my 2021 cruise. That's why they call me Cruisin Paul. Well, I call me that, nobody else.  Sorry about that. LOL

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What kind of candy is never on time?          ChocoLATE 

What are the 4 major food groups?               Pizza, Coffee, Chocolate and Sex. 

 

What do cannibals eat for dessert?                Chocolate covered aunts. 

 

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?          First, invade ze kitchen. 

 

How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? There is M&M shells all over the floor. 

 

If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and eats 25, what does he have? Diabetes..... Jake has diabetes...

 

 

 There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. 

 

Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on 

 

weight. 

 

 So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard 

 

 "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every 

 

time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".

 

 

 
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. "I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!" "That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

 

 

      Q: What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra? A: Oooh - Henry!

 

 The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. 

 

"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my 

 

way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf 

 

of bread." "That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this 

 

morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake." "Well, today is his birthday." 

 

 

 

 

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     " See Ya My Important Friends. "

 

 

Cruisin Paul

 

 

 

 

 

Sunny Saturday

Good morning everyone. I haven't got a lot to say this morning.

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

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             " Enjoy The Day Everyone "


Cruisin Paul

Snowy Wednesday

Good morning everyone. Well it's still Autumn but surprise, we had 6 - 8 inches of the white stuff but others in Michigan received 14 inches. The leaves are still coming off the trees. So, I decided to begin preparing for Christmas. I finished with my Christmas tree and decorated my fireplace mantle. I think it's still to early to keep my Camero in the garage but my baby has never touched snow. November is to early to take the car off the road. The sun is out today. maybe it will help me and get rid of this junk.

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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.

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     " Well that's it for today. See ya. "


Cruisin Paul

 

Wednesday Evening

Well, it's 6:30pm and I'm writing my blog. I spent the entire afternoon shopping with my wife and she didn't buy a thing. I did. I bought two pair of good slacks , a jacket, one jogging pants. During the morning I went to Walmart and bought two boxes of Keurig coffee, one for Mary Lou and one for me and also bought three boxes of Christmas lights. WOW! What a day. Now it's time rest.

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A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.
“Have you been drinking?” the officer asks.
“Just water,” says the priest.
“Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


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ne Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
      
      Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
      
      Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
      
      The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
      
      "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
      
      "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
      
      The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...."
      
      The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

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minister was walking to church one morning when he passed one of his members working in his garden. "Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?" asked the minister.
      
      "Eh, what's that?" said the member.
      
      "Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?"
      
      "I'm afraid you'll have to speak a little louder!" said the member.
      
      "CAN'T YOU HEAR THOSE BELLS CALLING YOU TO CHURCH?!" shouted the minister.
      
      "I'm sorry," said the member, "I can't hear you because of those darned BELLS!"
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                              See ya Friends


Cruisin Paul

 

Getting Cold Saturday

For some reason, I woke up very early this morning. Even Mary Lou was shocked when I woke her up. I don't know why but here I am. Good morning friends. What an unusual week. I got my flu shot and that evening my throat started closing up. I've never had a reaction like that. They told me that they gave me a special flu shot because I'm now 70. Then next morning suddenly my nose started to bleed. I got that stopped and after that everything went well. What a weird beginning of November. Next week in the low 40's and the next week in the low 30's. Winter isn't even here yet. Very weird.

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                Thanks Mom & Dad for making me.

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Daughter: Dad
Dad: Yes honey
Daughter: Im Lesbian
Dad: Ok
Daughter 2: Dad
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: Im lesbian too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Son: I do…

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jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter

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Absence!

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?
Son: Absence!
Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

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Beans

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

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Coming Downstairs

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.

"Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being."

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come down stairs like that?"

"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the bannister."

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         Have A Great Weekend Friends.



CRUISIN PAUL