Good morning everyone. We've been having great weather days but it's going to come to the end, it's suppose to rain.

I went to have a massage yesterday and boy  was I sore. It was so long from my last massage and my body needed a massage. 

Tomorrow I have a pedicure. It also has been to long since my last one as you can see about my toes. Sorry about that one.

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 Cruisin Paul

 

 Good morning my good friends. It's still cold but next week it's suppose to warm up. The man is finished downstairs and now the painter has to come and finish his job. All of this was to be finished before we even got into this home but because of stupid jobs, we now have to get it done. 

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 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

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 A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

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 A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes" the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

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Cruisin Paul

  

Warming Up Wednesday.

Good morning Mimi, Nancy, Peg and Steveo and any new bloggers who join into my party. My basement looks like a war had joined in. The entire room has holes all around the place. Now he has to put screws and after that he puts throughout the room something he calls mud. After they leave the painters come in. Now you have to know that this should have all been completed before we got in our home. The builder didn't do his job and that is why we are in this stupid situation. I've never experienced such a situation in my life but at least it will be done right. I understand that this builder forces the other workers to quickly do their jobs and that is the problem. There are other people experiencing many problems in their homes. If I had known this before I wouldn't have chosen this particular builder. Their worker blame each other and I even had two of them lie to me. This world has gone cray. All they want is money, not good work. I still has more to come. The grass has to be put in, my driveway has to be done, my shed pad & shed is completed, a walkway from the front to the walk is completed and other problems still to be fixed. I guess life goes on.

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A grumpy old man and his wife . . .

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

 

 

An irritable old man runs into a kid on a narrow path

The path isn't wide enough for two people to go side by side. The grumpy old man, who hates kids, refuses to move to the side, and says "I don't give way to assholes".

"That's ok, I do", says the kid and lets the old man cross.

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

                                                                                                                

Wonderful Saturday.

Good afternoon everyone. I'm so happy. We finally got this fantastic man come in and check on our sides and wall downstairs and after checking the entire room, he was shocked with the work that these other workers did with the room. He told us it was a mass that these other worker did. He told us he would fix the entire room and staircase and that HE would tell the builders what kind of work that their workers did and how poorly that they did. Hooray, finally a man that we knew and was proud with his work. 

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I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin.

 

 

One day a mother, father, and daughter are driving down the road in their car

but unbeknownst to them, they were driving behind Lorena Bobbitt.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a mans severed penis smacks into the car’s windshield.

“What was that Daddy?!” asked the little girl from the back seat.

Not wanting to corrupt her young mind, the father answered “it was a butterfly, sweetheart.”

The girl looks at her father surprised. After a moment she exclaims, “Well that butterfly sure did have a huge   Penis  !!!”

 

       

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me today!'' ''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you & Uncle Joe did last summer.''

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

 

Wednesday What A Mess.

Good morning everyone. You know the way things are going, life is so screwed up. It's hard to believe that people will do the work they are suppose to do. At the last minute they call and say oops, we can't be here. Maybe Friday. What are you suppose to say? You can get angry but why? I've never seen so many crazy working people that lie, and do stupid things. What is wrong with people today? Aren't people true to their work? They lie and cheat today and we the people who have to pay are stuck with this idiots. I give up.

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Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

 

 

A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving.

“Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”

“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”

 

 

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

 

 

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the engineers. And the Italians run everything.

 

 Just to let you know, I'm Italian. ha,ha,ha.

 

 

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 Cruisin Paul

 

Saturday Evening, Not Much Is Going.

 Good evening who ever is on my blog. Good to see ya. For some reason my TV has gone haywire after my wife had a problem with her washer & dryer. After lunch I turned my TV on and I couldn't turned the TV on yet it went on and suddenly changed to Netflick without me even change it. The only way to turn it off was to unplug it. Since we have moved to this place, crazy things have occurred. My daughter says that we have a ghost in our place. 

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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

He was so happy that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper headline read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The paper posted the headline: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

 

 

The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<br>

After the Mass, he finds the bishop's message:

“Next time, pour two drops of vodka in the water and not the other way around.
In addition, here are some tips to prevent outages like these from happening again:

- it is not necessary to place slices of lemon on the wine glass,
- DO NOT lean on the statue of the Virgin Mary, do not hug and kiss her,
- there are 10 and not 12 commandments,
- there are 12 apostles and not 7 and none of them is a Dwarf,
- We do not call Jesus and his disciples J.C. & Co.,
- David defeated Goliath with a slingshot and a stone, he did not destroy it like a trash can,
- We don't call Jews sons of bitches,
- the Pope must not be called El Padrino,
- Bin Laden has nothing to do with the death of Jesus,
- the holy bread is not a wine snack
- sinners go to hell and not to mothers vagina,
- the one in the corner, next to the choir you called the transvestite in the dress, and it was me! "

 

 

 

A pastor and his wife are standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven.

They watch as A couple in front of them walks up to St. Peter. They request entry but St. Peter shakes his head and says to the husband, "I'm sorry but you loved money so much you married a woman named Penny. You can't enter." They hung their heads and walked away.

Another couple approached and St. Peter shook his head and said to the husband, "I'm sorry but you loved drink so much you married a woman named Sherry. You can't enter." The couple hung their heads and walked away.

The husband of the couple watching this turned to his wife and said, "Alright Fanny let's get outta here."

 

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Cruisin Paul

 

After The Snowstorm.

Well good evening my good friends. We have finally dug out from a very wild snowstorm the other night. Thank God my neighbor and friend Ron who has a snowblower came and dug us out the 3 foot drift in front of the garage door. My daughter Nicole had to go to work but unfortunately she wasn't able. Here is the reason.

In the corner is her Jeep and now you can realize why she wasn't able to get to work. Here are a couple of other photos.

She finally was able to dig out the snow using their snowblower. 

On Friday we are suppose to get more snow. 

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    Mother to daughter advice:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

 

 

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly".

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes", the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

 

 

 

 

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

 

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Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really tick me off!"

 

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Cruisin Paul