Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Tuesday, A Day After Eclipse.

Good morning wonderful friends. My last blog it was raining and guess what? It's raining this morning. 
The other day, Friday morning, my friend Gerry came over and asked me if I wanted to play golf next Friday. Of course my answer was YES, so I'm playing Friday. I went and picked up some new golf balls, Calliway golf balls, pink golf balls
New and Improved, like me. Next month I'll be calling St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto to set another time to come in and have more tests. That is what the doctor wants so guess what? I will have to call the hotel again for two nights and MaryLou will need to go to the train station to get our tickets. What a pain. Oh well.

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A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"



A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."



A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks
out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist
thinks this is weird, but hey, there’s no law
preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who
knows, maybe it’s a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store,
purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves
the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. “What could be so funny about
buying a condom, anyway?” So he tells his clerk “If
this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to
see where he goes.” Sure enough, the next day the same
man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts
cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The
pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About
an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the
pharmacist.
The clerk replies “Your house.”


Blonde Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks a technician for some bottom deodorant. The tech, confused, explains to the woman that there’s no such thing as bottom deodorant.
The blonde assures the technician that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” the tech tells her, “but we just don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” the blonde replies.
“Do you have the container it comes in?” the technician asks.
“Yes,” says the blonde. “It’s right here.”
She reaches into her purse and hands a container to the technician, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches it back and reads aloud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”


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That's about it for me now. I hope that you enjoy the jokes. I did.


                                " SEE YA " 
                         --------------------  


                         " Cruisin Paul "
 

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Rainy Thursday

Good morning my good friends from everywhere. I'm feeling much better after my tip to Toronto, Ontario. I enjoyed it so much that I'll be going back to Toronto to visit St. Michael's Hospital. Oh how wonderful. I'm joking. I think I only thing that I enjoyed was sitting in a chair on the 27th floor on the Chelsea Hotel viewing the Toronto skyline. It was beautiful. I could see far out into Lake Ontario almost seeing Niagara Falls ( not really ).

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no...smallcox, too!"

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!" 


A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”


 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling." The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."

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Well that's it for today. I hope you all enjoy the day.

  
                                " SEE YA " 


                              " Cruisin Paul " 

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Saturday

Good morning my friends. I just wanted to let you know what went on with my time in Toronto. MaryLou & I arrived in Toronto and settled in our hotel. This city is crazy. After going to sleep, we were woken up at 2:00 am for this crazy sound. It was the fire alarm. They eventually found out that there wasn't a fire so at 3:00am we finally got back to sleep.
The next day I arrived at St. Michael's Hospital and at 10:00 am my first test began on the 7th floor, Bond Wing. It was called a Echocardiogram. I was about my heart. it took about 30 minutes. After that they wanted to put some thing in my arm that would go to my heart to check and see how it was working but unfortunately after 3 times trying to put it in my veins, they were unable to do so. I guess my veins are hard to find for this test.After an hour I was finished. Now to my next test. I went to 6th floor Donnelly Wing for papers then to 3rd floor Shuter wing for blood work to be done. Luckily, a great nurse was able to take my blood. I asked was couldn't the last test wasn't able to do it. She said it's easier to take blood out then putting something into the veins. Later I went to 3rd floor, Cardinal Carter Wind for Chest x - rays. After we had to wait until 3:00 pm to see the main doctor. After talking with the doctor, He said he wants we back in about two months for another CT scan or MRI about my lungs and that should be about that. 
I didn't want to go back but I would be worried about it if I don't so I'm going back unfortunately for this lat test. I'm so exhausted at the moment. I just thought I'd let you all where I'm at. See ya my friends.


                             " Cruisin Paul "

Monday, August 7, 2017

Cloudy Monday

Good, good, good Monday morning everyone my friends. Well this is ging to be an interesting week. As I've already said, I leave by train to Toronto to have some tests done on me. I'll be back on Friday and then on Saturday my wife & I go to Sarnia for her family reunion. We'll stay over night and come back on Sunday. What a week. So I won't be able to read any of your wonderful blogs until I remain. 

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An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian
produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this
Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary !'
The priest responded,'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here ! Please tell us now what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up "


The proper way to putt...

This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball. The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!

The Funeral

A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything."

The Prayer

Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna? She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"

How to Impress an Italian Lady:

Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her... How to Impress an Italian Man: Show up naked, Bring Beer.


An Italian man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely Italian women. He gives each Italian woman a present of $500 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The Italian man was very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the Italian man gifts. She gets him a new Italian suit, some new shoes for his Italian suit, and an expensive Italian tie. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the Italian man is impressed.

The third Italian woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $500. She gives him back his $500 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the Italian man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.



A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"



An old Italian man was dying, so he called his grandson to his bedside: “Guido, I wan’ you to lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife. Lotsa money. A big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.”
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’"?


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Enjoy, enjpy the Italian jokes because I enjoy an Italian joke. Why? Because I'm and Italian. Arrivederci!


                             " SEE YA "  


                            " Cruisin Paul " 

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Bright, Sunny Thursday

Good Thursday morning my friends. Wow, Thursday to Thursday. I guess I been a little lazy about my blog. Sorry about that. This week I went to Best Buy and bought a I Pod Nano and ear phones. I wanted to have something that would have music for me while I'm on airplane and the cruise while I'm laying around. My problem is that I'm not sure how to use the darn thing getting that music. I'm not to good with things like these. I hope that my daughter will help me with it.

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One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"


An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."




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That' it for today. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thursday.


" SEE YA "


" Cruisin Paul "