I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
- Bette Midler
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx
In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)
Lost Chapter In GenesisAdam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died,she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said " At last, they're finally together. " Her sister sitting in the front row said, " Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second husband?"
THE PRIEST REPLIED, " I MEAN HER LEGS . "
I hop you enjoyed that last one. Enjoy your day my friends.
" SEE YA "
" Cruisin Paul "